oh you

TILT

2012-01-26T12:38:00.001-08:00

hot dog dates to see "trapped in a closet". sleep talking w/ no shame. hot chocolate. meeting jogging goals. writing out my budget by hand. oranges. my dog climbing in bed in middle of the night to get between shaun and I. naps. not hating yoga. phone calls from my sister. warm soup and cool nights. spicy chili. new lady friends. biggie smalls. being a creep. buying presents. planning future race goals. having a crush. realistic money goals. font. big eared dogs. chewy candy. PAYING MYSELF BACK.

TILT!

2012-01-19T07:32:00.001-08:00

from: here

Quality over Quanity Friendships - With recent unfriending and being unfriended on Facebook I've realized how important the quality of my friendships are compared to the quanity of people I'm friends with. I've also realized the majority of people I'm close to are people I know in real life....not just random IAM girls from all over. Which I do love them all and I'm glad I built those friendships but I should have been more careful with who. But shit, the strange catty gossiping and tantrums are just too much work for me when it isn't light hearted and fun anymore. I'm also glad friendships I didn't realize were negative are done at the start of the year. Keeping it positive.

Quasi Dating - I'm 20ish days into not quite commitment and it's great. 2012 I made the choice to not date like an asshole. S is luckily the best man I could have ever met for this moment in my life. It is piles of moments full of awkward flirting, blushing, smirking, giggling. Being convinced we are the same person while being really different. the usual words I'd say about any man I convince myself I'm in love with me...except I'm not irrationally and immediately in love with him. I enjoy him, I like where this is going and I like the patience. The anticipation. The kissing.

from: here

Goals and Rewards - I've been really focused on my goals lately and how to achieve them. Lately I've mixed things up by also listing rewards as I meet goals to give me more incentive. Such as new thigh high socks in 3 weeks once I pay down what I currently owe. I've also realized it's ok to not save every dollar I have and leave money for spending. I realized I needed to calm down about it all and I actually have...sort of. The end of February will be a good moment. The end of March also will be (holla half marathon). This year, this year is amazing.

The Rest - excessive eating as a couple. lady dates. celebrations. "you taste like exercise". pizza parties. cuddling and tv watching dates. kittens. imitation beef jerky (gimme more). running w/ aaron. hot chocolate on cold days (ok and hot days). friendship tattoo plans w/ 3. proper night of sleep. being selfish. pens from hotels. the end.

2012-01-12T10:00:00.001-08:00

Things I love Thursday....fuck it. Here's a pile of panic.

1. Money is stressing me out. More than usual. I spent too much on little (unneeded) things these last 2 weeks. I have less money than I'm comfortable with. I get paid tomorrow and already spent half the paycheck on bills. I know next month will be better. Only this check and the next until I've paid myself back all I owed.

Right now my upcoming bills + debt are $783.35 + the $350 I owe myself for borrowing still. I'm having a heart attack over this. Only $300 of bills is due/coming out tomorrow + the $200 to savings for money borrowed (and the usual $160)

Fuck. I just realized I did the math wrong and forgot to take out $125 when I wrote this all down the first time. MELTING DOWN. I'm going to die in a ditch alone and broke. I need to look at this all and decide how I will stop freaking out over it.

2. Panicked about my body all morning before money became the end of me. I'm too angular in the face and too round in the body. The half marathon schedule is easily doable while still stressing me out nonstop about being good enough. My ipod broke and won't open apps so I didn't do pushups yesterday. I know I can still do them but I just don't want to. I hate how I'm shaped.

3. I'm (already) feeling needy towards Shaun so I'm ignoring him to compensate. I want his attention like every other man in my life but more so because he's so great. I don't want to be needy. I hate how weak it is. I don't want a man that encourages me to be needy...I'd hate him long term for that. I want to see him more...and less. I see him enough as it is. I made him a present and fucked it up over and over...and then when I finally got it I ran out of thread and can't finish. I'm starting over tonight madly.

I'm supposed to see John tonight but I cancelled. I have no idea what intentions are there and I'm too emotional and dramatic to deal w/ anything. I want to sit home alone and be sad w/ my dog.

th

2012-01-08T11:48:00.001-08:00

these past few days. whoa.

last night I understood that feeling of wishing someone was next to me in bed but being alone instead.

TILT!

2012-01-05T09:26:00.001-08:00

TILT!!!

holy shit the last few weeks. What I love right now....

...watching the jurassic park trilogy on a first date. (over)eating homemade cookies. 1/2 marathon planning to prove I'm tough enough. 2012 goal making and reviewing 2011 accomplishments. matching tattoo plans. photobooths. tumblr. gap v necks. new friends. mummers. eating at the casino. accidental dates w/ nice friends. multiple tiny cakes. pink toenails and gold glitter nail polish. handmade gifts. pizza eating parties. road trips w/ siobhan. anticipation. first snow while walking the dog. playing rummy. talking dirty details w/ friends. beans+rice. sour patch kids and movie nights. preplanning dirty 30's. biting bottom lips instead of kissing. paying myself back on time. new boots. stamina. corn+butter. paper cranes forever.

Two Thousand and Wealth - GOALS!

2012-01-04T07:29:00.001-08:00

annnnnd my 2012 goals. So god damn excited.

1. $10,000 total in savings by December
2. run the art museum steps
3. 10k, half marathon and the broad street run
4. attempt a stable, monogamous relationship if the opportunity comes up
5. actually bike all the way to work
6. get the top of my other foot tattooed
7. consider a better paying job or volunteer to do more at the current one.
8. work more on making my home look "adult"
9. master seamless flirting
10. mend or end friendships in limbo, stop avoiding the confrontation
11. go for a tooth cleaning, get shit fixed, discuss wisdom teeth options
12. work on a healthy morning routine, possibly jog in the am
13. keep credit card balances at zero
14. buy good quality boots, no more $50 boots each season that fall apart
15. find a new hobby
16. learn more card games, demand everyone play
17. visit someone new in a city I've never been to (Nicole in Utah perhaps??)
18. set up my 401k (holla look who missed the open benefits window like a fool...again. end of 2012)
19. have less hate for the internet, possibly just be more positive in general
20. make more gifts
21. walk the dog at least 2 miles a day
22. stop letting other people's negative feelings effect me.
23. try rock climbing, belly dancing, ballet and some sort of combat sport (boxing? ladies tai kwan do?). go to more pole dancing classes.
24. work on better basic training w/ Elvis and more dog socialization.
25. send a postcard in to postsecret, send more postcards to friends.
26. eat more veggies+fruit (learn to stir fry), cook more in general
27. get a smart phone, actually track workouts properly, don't become obsessed with it.
28. go on more weekend roadtrips (ahem Siobhan) to new places
29. read a new book a month
30. get a proper haircut
31. buy a helmet and a bike I love
32. do the 100 pushup challenge and 200 crunch challenge
33. sleep more, late night internet less. (refer to this)
34. buy something luxurious I want but don't need to celebrate completing the half marathon.
35. continue to (try to) be less insane over my body and be a good example instead.

Two Thousand and Heaven Recap

2012-01-03T06:58:00.001-08:00

Jan:

My year started with the longest plane commute back from Mpls to Philly on new year day. I ended up walking a few miles w/ my luggage to a girlfriends and showing up after midnight to celebrate...by eating all the food that was left. hungry god damn girl.

I cross stitched nonstop for a month and then did nothing with what I made. I also went on a date w/ a guy that seemed to have an eating disorder.

Feb:

I found myself at a tattoo after party with good friends and making out w/ a stranger at a gay bar in front of all of them. So, the usual.

I dog-sat some, made liver brownies for my dog, had the flu, pole danced more than I have in months and Melissa sent me roses for Valentine's day.

March:

Katie came and we fell in love. The end.

I also got trapped in an elevator w/ 3 friends. Had my belly tattooed more times than I want to think about. fucked up making bread+cupcakes. Traded art for art. I started jogging around now. OH! March needs 2 photos.

this baby also left his house to come see me. <3

April:

Siobhan came to Philly and we talked boys and friends in the rain all day. Meeting up with girlfriends, shopping, giggling, eating.

I also caved and bought black, thick framed glasses. Katie moved out and Sam in around now. I did my first yarn bombing.

May:

hello vegas. crazy bachelor party w/ a dozen including the bff and my sister. The amount of time spent in airports because of this trip earned me $500 in vouchers.

I also fell for someone that ended up being an awful choice. crashed on my bike. celebrated paris in philly. dinner in multiple alleys. seeing Joe for 45 minutes when he had some random layover in PHL. 6 mile dog walks.

June:

Dave and I went to CT to see my birth mom for the first time in an undetermined amount of years. the ride was fine, the dog was fine, the trip there couldn't end soon enough.

I spent too many days with my junkie crush. I met someone via the grocery store that turned out to be the most adorable and charming man I'd met in years. I bejeweled my cell phone case (still half done). I rode my bike, ate food and jogged nonstop.

July:

Siobhan+Danger+I went to Richmond for a BBQ+camping where Katie and I got to reconnect our love affair. Fireworks, ducks, girly play lists, piles of car food, met Tobias+Jana the first time.

I also....had a first friday date that ended w/ pizza and movies. was fully immersed into watching Dexter. went home for a friends wedding (which requires reliving the human pyramid photo). took our mom to her first pedicure. Got walked in on at Sam's.

I can't leave this photo out of July.

Aug:

my god damn family came to visit. fuck yes. nothing can top this. at all. ever.

inner thigh tattoos were done. practiced forearm stands to be more impressive than my ex. did more tourism than I could ever imagine. started obsessing more over jogging. survived a ridiculous "hurricane" and spent a lot of time w/ a charming young man.

Sept:

Melissa came to Philly (!!!!!!!!!) and we confirmed out undying love for each other. Walking tours of the hood and my favorite spots on the way to the ice cream shop on market+2nd. card playing in the park, rushed subway rides, roseanne marathons.

Was fitted for a corset (24inch). ran my first 5k. got a crush on a 23 year old NYC resident. spent an evening w/ the lovely Lauren who rarely comes this far into south philly. I saw my neighbor more that I never see lately. changed birth control and regretted it everyday.

October:

Mitch came. We went to a gothic art show, ate a philly brunch that went on forever and finally ended the weekend alone, watching die hard while eating crackers+peanuts.

Claudio came w/ an offer of Saves the Day tickets which I brought Siobhan and Pat to. I made the largest purchase of my adult life, a couch. late night phone calls took over my month.

November:

I flew to Indiana and spent 4 days w/ Mitch and Melissa and it was amazing. Melissa and I talked about goals+insecurities, played cards and wandered Evansville for hours. Mitch let me pout, eat pizza and nap on his couch watching jurassic park.

I ran the coldest 5k ever. Matt came, we watched Arrested Development and ate so much mexican food. Then Tobias came, i showed him philly in just hours, made him stay up until 2am looking at girl's dating profiles and woke him up 2 hours later to take me to the airport. Ed and I had a first date for hot dogs, cards and more Arrested Development.

December:

Matt came from Minneapolis and we had a double date w/ Lauren+Zac, a tiny snowman was built. Roadtrip w/ Siobhan (again) to Virginia (again) for Katie's birthday. Endless jogging and a case of bronchitis. Lady date w/ Lauren (vegan ice cream!) and an accidental kiss w/ a friend. Luke came from Boston, saw Kyle for the first time in months, talked to Andrew more than acceptable.

and I also went back to the midwest for a snowless christmas. Saw Kassie for the first time in 3 years. Big dinners out. Making gifts. so many rounds of rummy w/ the siblings. casino trip. pedicures and 1st spray tans. AND the best travel partner ever w/ the stranger I sat next to flying back to PHL.

AND the year ended with kissing a red head on a street corner and riding my bike in a short dress while watching fireworks. 2011, I loved you.

2011-12-30T08:13:00.001-08:00

Searching tumblr for "goals" yesterday got me everyone's posts about resolutions which were all one of the following

1. get in better shape
2. save more money
3. find the love of my life

Fuck. Really? this is the goals people have for the new year? This is shit you could be doing every year and most people make the same goal every year and then just "forget" or not bother keeping it. If you want to lose weight then work out, eat better and make a plan you can stick with. If you want more money then spend less on things you don’t need and set that aside. and if you don’t want to be single then go out, get over whatever insecurity you have w/ talking to the opposite sex and flirt the night away.

I'm being neurotic and judegmental over this when I know I shouldn't be. to each their own. I don't care if someone is single or not...I care when they hate their situation and don't try to change it. I also hate when people imply there is something wrong w/ being single.

I think I'm just judegmental and hate all.

2011-12-29T11:21:00.001-08:00

I sat by the best man ever on my flight from MSP to PHL. He's 46, married and w/ 2 kids.

We talked a lot about the obesity problem in america, w/ how people are too lazy to work out or choose not to eat well. all the processed foods, how much is fast food, how much easier it is to just stay fat. We talked about health insurance, disability insurance, and losing our fathers (his died when he was 12). About what it's like to be a teenager in this generation

I talked to him a lot about goals and why I think they are so important. I may have almost ranted about it but at least I ranted w/ passion. I really meant it all and I hope he thinks about it later. Fuck having goals is amazing.

It was just such a good flight. I wish I'd written down more of what we talked about.

2011-12-14T08:14:00.001-08:00

Good things:

Friends that bring ice cream+pudding when I'm sick, stay for jurassic park 2 and don't mind my dog taking over all their personal space.

Watching friends exercise predinner cooking, inviting new friends for dinner also.

movies and dinner w/ this man, talking for an hour after in a shitty dinner about not drinking, being sad and working. such warm memories.

finding old photos and reliving great moments.

annnnnnnnd.....no longer being contagious is great, so are antibiotics. riding in the cold and not wanting to die. glasses too big for my face. realizing it is already wednesday. having really good friends. mini roadtrip to virginia.

2011-12-07T07:46:00.001-08:00

Points.

1. I'm quickly realizing over and over this Ed thing isn't going anywhere, yet I don't want to give up. I'm not bothering to text him anymore but I'll still reply if he texts me...I think. Maybe. Men. Constant vice.

2. Facebook is constantly stressing me out and I want to unfriend all the men I'm friend's with so I can't see their updates. Instead I'm just blocking their updates from showing up on my feed.

3. Losing motivation for 2012 goals and just getting overwhelmed over nothing. Constantly feeling uncomfortable. Maybe I just need more naps in my life.

4. Agreed to do a 1/2 marathon in March w/ Lauren. Training will get insane come January. Fuck.

Things I must do to survive December!!

2011-12-02T11:57:00.001-08:00

1. Make paper snowflakes to hang in my window.
2. Bike to Center City, get wawa hot chocolate and walk around looking at store front window christmas displays
3. Get a photo taken with Santa and possibly send a letter of what I want.
4. Buy holiday props from the $1 section at target, take photobooth photos with them
5. Watch Home Alone and Die Hard to celebrate the season.
6. Take photos of my dog in a santa hat
7. Find massive amounts of christmas light displays to enjoy all at once
8. Get an ugly christmas sweater I'll secretly love and wear all season
9. Write christmas cards...possibly make them too.
10. Buy gifts for toys-for-tots
11. Learn how to make peppermint sugar cookies
12. and when that fails go to cookie confidential and buy all they have to eat in one sitting
13. Slow dance under a street lamp during snowfall (does it ever snow in december here?)
14. Buy warm weather pajamas and wear them nonstop (pink striped thermal? be still my heart).
15. Take a bubble bath on a snowy day and then watch love actually while eating candy
16. Crochet a scarf to give as a gift
17. Exchange stockings w/ a friend
18. Run a holiday themed 5k or 10k
19. Make a christmas mix cd + play list
20. Make a popcorn garland to string on a tree at a park (!!!!!!!!!!)
21. Find the nativity scene w/ live animals in philly again...during the day this time
22. Go to a christmas themed play
23. Weekend winter road trip
24. Build a gingerbread house, only use candy I want to eat as decoration
25. Walk around the Christmas shops at Love Park

TILT!

2011-12-01T09:47:00.001-08:00

woot - here

Talking w/ my sister - Last night my younger sister and I talked for a while about bills+budgets+adult life and it was great. I really like that I'm close to my siblings and we are all at an age and point in our lives where we can easily talk to each other. It's nice to know I can give her advice from my own experiences...even if it's just about neurotic savings. I'm excited to go home and spend time w/ them all in less then a month. I need to buy more presents and think about things I want from my mom still.

Starting 2012 goals early - I started listing my goals a month ago and discussed them w/ Melissa when I went to visit a few weeks ago. I realized some I should and easily can start working on some now and actually have. No more excuses. Starting w/ building a healthy relationship w/ a man. While it may go no where I'm at least trying not to be an asshole and stop any progress immediately out of fear. I've also bought a rug for the hallway and measured other rooms to start looking for rugs there so our home can look more adult. 2011 has been amazing, I'm so excited for 2012.

accurate - here

Fall dog walks - Walking my dog before winter is my favorite time. he's actually into it, not as many people are out, it's not too cold or hot so he'll go further. I wish I could demand more people excessively walk their dogs, it's so good for bonding with an animal. I've been in nonstop rage looking at other pet owners lately and wanting to tell them all they are doing it wrong. At least I can enjoy the time w/ my dog where we do it right god damn it.

The Rest - peppermint sugar cookies. mint m&m's. kissing on park benches (while my dog cries). occupy protesters being out of city hall. memories of indiana. squats+crunches. "I am gonna spoon you like crazy". lady dates w/ ladies I want to know better. upcoming trips home. cuddling w/ elvis on cold nights. catball eats all. how great my period is on the pill again. piles of emails w/ recipes to make. christmas everything. more jogging. lego mosaic. emailing nonstop w/ lady friends. playing solitaire. thanksgiving w/ friends.

2011-11-17T11:24:00.001-08:00

What I love currently.

being able to email Siobhan "IS SHE SERIOUS WITH THOSE SHOES?!" and knowing she'll understand. Endlessly discussing money w/ Ally. Seeing Melissa in less than a day. measure the globe on repeat. being friends w/ my neighbors. 3 mile jogs in cool weather. birth control that doesn't make me insane. blue pens. eating like a squirrel with constant granola. giggling over every memory of time spent w/ Matt last weekend. jogging w/ Mary Beth and Lauren. Actually I love every person I know and will no longer list any. Other than Shawn, because I haven't seen him in 2 weeks and miss our dates.

ANNNNNND

anticipation of winter trips home. dried cranberries. underware that makes me think of a speedo.seeing what all my friends love each week. even more jogging. fruit snacks. fancy hot dogs. photos at work. good work reviews (!!!). good poops. songs on repeat. naps. being able to afford what I need.

TILT!

2011-11-10T13:00:00.001-08:00

The Rest: jogging. texting w/ Andrew obnoxiously. just how sore pole class makes me. prancing around in stripper heels. making dates. jogging some more. mailing packages that the recipients love. daily bowel movements. good work reviews. naps. out of town friends coming to Philly. Flying to Indiana in a week to kiss cheeks and giggle nonstop. tumblr. friendship bracelets to make in the future. girlfriends. groping muscles. raw almonds and dried cranberries. photobooth photos. meeting 2011 goals and making 2012 goals. being debt free. seeing astronautalis sing "measure the globe" and "secrets on our lips" live. accents. dreamy hip hop men. finding change on the ground. eating contests. competitive anything.

boring. usual. men.

2011-11-07T07:02:00.001-08:00

Balancing in my mind how insecure I can let myself be and a post where I obsess about men in my life.

Mitch is loosely ignoring me, maybe he's just busy. No calls, he doesn't answer my calls, rarely answers texts. I'm loosely giving up. I fly there in 2 weeks though luckily I know I can stay w/ Melissa that entire time and have just as good of a time. I panic he thinks I mean the fake love I implied. That I actually do want to be with him or something. Why do men take what I say so seriously. Though I don't think I even implied I wanted to be w/ him. I wish men understood I'm just selfish and want things my way.

And as I'm insecure about that I realize Bill is officially dating the girl I was being unreasonably jealous over on facebook. He hollered at me the other week and I declined. I knew I should have gone w/ it. Ran into John this weekend at the Raven. Maaaaay have flirted with him and made him think I missed him, that part wasn't on purpose. He came over last night and we baked muffins together, made soup, ran errands, did all the domestic shit I had to get done before Monday. I can already tell that will end awkwardly.

I haven't had sex in months. Ever since the fling with Colin ended. What a strange thought. Ok, just a month and a half. It was much longer in my mind. I feel like I'm still holding out hope for something more with Colin even though I never talk to him. It's an easy way to continue to behave at least.

And lastly a guy I went out w/ once 5 months ago talked to me on chat last night and said he never asked me out again because he felt I was too good for him. It's funny because I assumed he didn't ask me on a second date because I wasn't enough for him. Whatever enough I was being insecure about then. I didn't bike enough, I didn't eat well enough, I wasn't pretty enough.

No matter how insecure and insane I'm being I'll take that over being in a bad relationship any day. I don't want to settle just to be able to say I'm not alone.

TILT!

2011-11-03T09:15:00.001-07:00

god I want a mount rushmore tattoo of something else. so bad.

The Rest - military men. shirtless men doing pull ups. gingers. naps. 70 minute jogs with girlfriends. fruit snacks and hot chocolate. planning out vacation needs (jurassic park and friendship bracelet). my dog pouting more than me. knowing I CAN get laid but choosing not to. sneaking snacks into the movies w/ Shawn. tumblr and foowgawker. homemade mac+cheese. harry potter. buying books for men to read to me. lurking people on dating sites. pens from hotel rooms. dirty text messages. being happy with my body. southpaw. matching tattoos w/ friends and strangers.

TILT!

2011-10-27T07:37:00.001-07:00

from: here

Shawn - Shawn told me last night that he'd never question my impulse plane ticket to see a dude but does question my motives. He pointed out the short term love I wanted to happen didn't...and now I'm on a quest to make it happen. He is possibly right. When Mitch left it just felt interrupted and I want it to be continued. I want to reach my short term love goals. I love Shawn for not judging any of it and just being concerned for my well being in general.

Mitch - Seeing Mitch was good, as I've already gone over, and awkward which I'm also good at. Thinking about going to see him is exciting and also nerve racking. I like new, fresh crushes. Short term love affairs. I want to touch his red hair and wrap my legs around his waist. I made a ticket to go there in a few weeks. He doesn't play the "games" like you're supposed to in a relationship which makes me insecure but is also refreshing.

holy god yes. fuck. from: here

All of 2011 - gawd damn this was a good year. such a good year. Joe and I are going over it now and I'm realizing just how much I did and how great it was. Fuck yes this year. I want to go on and on about how great this year was. I want to also just write an entire post about how great this year was. I think it may have been one of my favorites looking back.

The Rest - pomegranates. Melissa's email ("i also have a stripper pole. you have overflowing ashtrays"). the last nice days of bike riding. all of Monday morning. lady lunch plans. booking plane tickets for MSP and EVV and only spending $300 total. making plans w/ my sister that just involve the casino photobooth for xmas. thinking back on all of 2011 and how great it was. gentleman behavior. mix cds. hot chocolate. cauliflower soup. being comfortable w/ my body naked. panda shots biking.

Personal - Mitch

2011-10-25T11:45:00.001-07:00

Talking to Mitch last night, going over our weekend together, made me want to fly there. He agreed w/ everything I said about the vacation. How it was only good when it was just him and I. How the rest was just awkward and uncomfortable and not what either of us were looking for. I didn't have a crush on him until the end. I don't want to fall in love, I can't move to Indiana. I'm so reliable in wanting what I can't have. If he lived here I'd probably feel differently. I'd work harder on pushing him away.

I need to stay logical about this. And not think about the book+card I just ordered to give to him. fuck.

personal - Mitch

2011-10-24T11:15:00.001-07:00

Um. where to start? Mitch came from Indiana for the weekend and stayed with me.

this photo will sum up friday night to sunday morning. He came late on Friday after drinking with friends. I got in a long dog walk and other responsible crap I had to do beforehand. The next few days were filled with coffee+cigarettes+ whiskey for him and stressed out jogging and dog walks for me. Possibly some pouting here and there.

He came so late Friday we ended up just going to bed quickly. Things were filthy for a moment. He kissed me first. We were spooning in bed half asleep, he was wine drunk, he pulled my face back and just said "come here". Saturday he left early to help w/ the set up and I didn't see him again until that evening. We argued via text because I wanted to bike there and he insisted they pick me up. He won that argument and they came around quarter to 9. The art/goth/thing we went to/he had a part of was ok. He was w/ a group of people...I was ready to not be there.

I was awkward and sleepy and not as social as I could have been, he was whiskey drunk and went out to smoke often. It was very detached and I don't think it was actually necessary I came. I'm glad I went to see his part though. We got home so late and just passed out after a quick dog walk in fancy clothes together.

Sunday was our only day we banked on having together, where we made plans, lists and had things to accomplish. But he'd agreed to go to brunch and didn't realize Philly brunches take all day. We met at 1, though I tried to skip it by doing my shopping first. I got there at 1:45 and they were still waiting. Ate brunch for hours and they left to go shop, I declined. Saw Nikki, biked, walked Elvis and jogged. I needed to clear my head. I was being insecure, insane, self conscious. I texted him when I got home, he was ready to come back and bummed I had left. That was when I really felt bad.

He finally made it home and we ended up cuddling on the couch watching die hard while eating noshi+peanuts and giggling nonstop. We went to bed and I laid my legs across his chest while we talked an hour or so. I told him he makes me insecure because he doesn't let me play my usual games. It puts me off guard and I don't know how to move forward from there. For the first time that weekend it was just him (sober) and I in bed and able to talk. I told him I liked him better drunk, at least then I didn't have a crush on him.

By morning I was sad he had to leave, sad I felt like I'd wasted his vacation when it could have been so much more, sad I was a little cranky and overwhelmed all weekend. The dog and I sat on either side of him pouting that he was leaving while he read to me from my "woman's jogging" book. I cried a little after he got in his cab and even more while writing in my journal about the weekend. There is no shame in crying in public in Philadelphia but lord you never want to cry in front of someone you know.

I'm looking at tickets to indiana ($315ish range) for a weekend. It seems ridiculous but that's ok. I want to try again. I only want what I can't have.

2011-10-21T09:29:00.001-07:00

A friend wrote me a craigslist post for if I ever moved to NYC. It is very accurate.

I can see your craigslist ad now:

Me: late 20's female with a pungent taste for indie hip-hop, pit bulls, holding hands, late night walks, running, and first kisses.

You: open to most ages, clean, down to earth, preferably vegetarian (bonus if you are a red head, smoke and let me listen to you talk)

Our date: randomly meeting up and walking about, followed by cute moments, a sweet first kiss, openly talk about our sexual conquest and getting you all turned on but then leaving you to go spend the night with the only man who actually puts with my quirks.

TILT!

2011-10-20T08:06:00.001-07:00

this is perfect, from here

The Rest - Thinking about Christmas w/ family already (chocolate oranges). new dresses. pedicures. staying calm-ish about money. more 5k prep and researching future races. proper tourism planning. finding this photo and missing home even more. having a binge eating day and feeling adequate guilt after. nervous energy and date(?) anticipation. being able to help a friend. using google for my every need. movies w/ Shawn. the luxury of a new couch. aimlessly tv shopping. sending packages. reverse hussy ways. new books to read in bed. paper cranes.

TILT!!!

2011-10-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

I know this is all over....but I love it too - from here

Date Anticipation - alright, lets get it out there, I'm a girl that moves through dates. Swiftly and efficiently. That said I'm, once again, super excited for a date in a little over a week. He's 6'1, with red hair and smokes. He's a girlfriend's cousin and she referred to him as "debonair" which deserves points in itself. We talk on the phone more than I ever thought was possible and giggle a bunch. I'm really excited for him to be here, week+1 day. I need to shoe shop for our date this weekend.

The LIST - I worked on my list this week and was happy I didn't regret more of it. I thought I'd be upset/disappointed by the dudes I've fucked but 95% of them I was super happy w/ that choice. there was the random few thrown in that made me cringe (ahem walk of shame Joe in Madison) but for the most part none I regret at all and most I still have contact with. Now here's 3 cheers to not doubling my list. I anticipate another 20 maybe over the next 10 years? Too positive?

The Rest - buffalo chicken pizza recipes. winter cooking. fuck yeah casseroles. purging stuff out of the house. new furniture and feeling like an adult. positive outlook. Steve Martin's banjo album. tracking workouts. red headed men. short commutes. $50 delivery charges. realizing how great tumblr is. unfollowing friends on social sites but not feeling guilty. getting my way. reflecting on how great my life is. claudio and seeing saves the day w/ Siobhan and Pat. bar soap. pretending to be healthy. my entire fucking life right now. my mom.

tilt!

2011-10-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

Races - omg soooo many races. and running and planning. 2012 fuck yeah. I want to get to do 5 mile jogs easily. I think I can do that. City Hall and back. I've got that. Vegas half marathon. hopefully a philly half marathon before that. 2 5ks this month, broad street run next year. fuck yes this all. I'm finally starting to understand why people love jogging like they do.

yis!

Soup Weather - fuck yes fall. it's finally soup weather, casseroles, warm dishes from the oven. I made corn cowder the other night and it was great. foodgawker is all about recipes for seasonal crap. Bring on the squashes I never bother to cook with. I'm going to build winter layers and love every moment of it. Fuck yeah thick soups.

Looking Back on the Summer - I didn't go out as much but I saw more people that previous. I went to vegas, MN, CT and Richmond. I had half a dozen or so people in and out of philly visiting including my family. I started a new workout routine, I spent more time w/ my dog. I "surrounded" myself with positive female influcence via out of town friends through email. I became good friends w/ my neighbor. I ran my first fucking 5k.

The Rest - The Simpsons and positive memories I have of watching them growing up. Steve Jobs memories and the speech he gave in 2005. wedding talk. realizing how tattooed I am. summer jogging attire. underarmour luxury. talking to Pat. being lucky enough to see Saves the Day for free. being in denial about winter. written journals and making lists+goals. tourism and red haired men.

2011-10-03T11:32:00.001-07:00

Weekend....

first to recap men:
1. I texted Colin breifly re: being so god damn depressed. He was very compassionate and supportive though I still rarely heard from him this last week. I'm not sure what to make of this and I'm just going to try and stay calm about it. texts aren't returned but when he does they are always very sweet. A phone call now and then, no future plans to see each other. I'm not going to have sex w/ anyone else until he tells me otherwise.
2. Jon hollered at me to get together, I agreed to a date but declined to have sex. Back and forth texts ended w/ him telling me I seemed unstable. I told him that was honest to say to someone but also very rude.
3. I kissed my cuddle partner of 2.5 years for the first time. It was weird. The dog was in bed with us while we watched baseball. It was romantic but strange. I'm not sure how to feel about this choice.
4. Lastly I saw Steve and he was actually in a good mood. We cuddled in bed and kissed, sort of. We mostly just quietly talked and he was actually happy. He's never like this. It was such a shock to see him in a pleasant mood. He does go on vacation to Turkey today...so that may have to do with it. I told him about Colin, about what Jon said, about how I've been. I laid my head on his lap on the couch and looked at subway maps from other countries with him. I like him so much more like this, but I only think I love him when he's moody and mean towards me. Always wanting what we can't have.
5. Oh, and I think my neighbors roommate hit on me. It was strange and I declined.

Not men:
1. I had a really, really great 5k this weekend. I did it in 24:26:00)!!!). Beforehand I met a really nice guy, who I didn't find after since I got all sensitive over the woman that finished before me and I just wanted to go home. I have another 5k this coming weekend and signed up for one more on the 29th of this month.
2. I biked and biked and biked and it was god damn amazing. fuck yeah.
3. Returned things to lush, exchanged for another lotion, picked up a few more disposable cameras, gap undies, dry goods at the reading market.
4. Lady dates with Nikki and Siobhan, finally catching up and gossiping like only ladies can.
5. Elvis had a man date with Dave which wore him out.
6. Homemade corn chowder and corn fritters
7. So much god damn jogging.
8. and lastly! I weighed myself and I weigh 133 now. Which is odd to me.

personal

2011-09-30T12:04:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure how insecure I can be over one person. I think my current insecurity and fears regarding Colin are about on par with usual. The lack of communication from his side (which is normal and i was ok with but now panic over) has me in constant doubt. The birth control I can't tell if is still making me sad or if it's in my mind. Though I did just cry a little mid crunch and almost broke down after...for no apparent reason.

I talked to Frank a minute today. He suggested we be friends and told me to look for "help wanted" signs as I jogged. That made me want to be friends even less.

I can see what I'm doing. The lack on contact on both ends. I'm not sure if he's just busy, if he's lost interest. We hit a month and i've realized all the things he should be doing instead. I've mapped out his life without me because it's better that way. Just like every other previous lover. I don't know why men panic like I want to be with them. It's always just short term. I don't think Colin is panicking like that though. He's 23 and in NYC, that is the only reason I ever needed to not continue with this.

He's too intelligent, too genuine, too beautiful. I know I shouldn't sell myself short...but that is all things I can not live up to like I think he deserves. I wonder if I tell him or go the cheap route and just let it fade. I'll probably do that. I'm reliable with my unhealthy relationship issues.

tilt

2011-09-29T08:50:00.001-07:00

(Since my new birth control has thrown me into some crazy, depressed setting the love is low the last few weeks)

Little Things - Jogging goals, again. "So I'll cover my hand in tattoos, I'll kiss any woman that moves.". beautiful men in my life. silly dates. movie nights and decompressing. living in a city where I can easily bike everywhere. nutella cookies. napping with lovers. Every movie Jason Statham has done. couch to 10k. seeing examples of really healthy relationships and realizing it is possible. ice t and coco. coco's (banging) body. setting reachable goals and saving money. blocking negative people's feeds from my facebook. free education. new recipes and winter weather cooking. 5k anticipation. the end.

personal.

2011-09-26T08:21:00.001-07:00

Sooooo...copy and pasted from an email to a girlfriend.

Colin and I were on south street after hanging out in public for the last few hours and as we got on our bikes he mentioned "I can't believe how may interracial couples I always see in Philly". I sort of brushed it off and said it wasn't something I ever really noticed...I just barely notice couples of the same race. And he replied "well that is a big part of my life so obviously I'm going to pay attention and notice". Um. I felt super awkward after that like I said the wrong thing. We don't really bring up the race+age difference we have, and it's never been a big deal. that was one of the first times it has come up. It just fueled my insecure weekend with him ha.

and the rest

My weekend was really good but also made me super insecure. Bullet points?
-eating dinner together from the food bar at whole foods, outside of whole foods.
-Begging him after to get milkshakes with me and slow dancing by the milkshake machine to cheesy wawa music.
-sexual firsts.
-Baking cookies, sharing leftovers, holding hands.
-Trying on costumes in back rooms while he watched.
-Dog walks together.
-Walking down south street holding hands on a Saturday night.
-Waking up exhausted to cuddle.

Yet by the time he left Sunday am...I was critical levels of insecure and wondering what was wrong. I don't know if it's just me since I've been super crazy lately w/ my new
birth control. I feel like I need to step back...even though he texted me last night. I'm going to step back until I get myself under control.

Times like this I wish more of my friends were in healthy relationships that I could see as an example of what I would want. But every relationship around me is nothing I'd ever want for myself.

TILT!

2011-09-15T10:44:00.001-07:00

Little Things - flying off the handle insecure over a dude only to have him call that night just to check in. those individual floss things that have made flossing less terrifying for me. astronatualis' new album (secrets on our lips is my current favorite song). making plans for "all you can eat pasta" at olive garden. roseanne reruns. avocados. 10k preparing anticipation. multiple 5k race anticipation. I ran my first 5k this past weekend(!!!). first dates. staying rational about my body image. my dog properly behaving. feral cats in the hood that pretend to love me. military haircuts. men's voices and muscles. finding new food blogs. genuine smiles.

"Not only is everyone beautiful in their own way, but everyone is beautiful to someone else as well. " - my daily note from the Universe.

TILT!

2011-09-08T09:46:00.001-07:00

Little Bits: eating PILES of candy at 9am and justifying it since I have my period. first 5k anticipation. making out all night. underbust corsets. movie nights w/ Shawn. my dog's depressed face. really nice students. homemade guacamole. those 12 hours it wasn't 90 and humid out last week. biscuits and gravy. making great cookies. cooking more. buying sex toys. photos of airline food. buying too much but having the money to do so. being able to jog 25 minutes straight. swooning.

Personal

2011-09-06T11:58:00.001-07:00

I spent way too much time w/ Colin over the weekend. Again. Having filthy sex and cuddlefests. We left the house at one point for biking, bagels and sex shops. We went to the sex clothing shop and talked about things there and interests. I like new crushes when it still feels like this.

So then....the next day I tried on a corset and sent him a photo to see what he thought and he said it was crazy but he wasn't really into it. My friend Matt said the same thing.

They both basically implied my body is perfect how it is and I shouldn't be trying to change it or make the emphasis any bigger. Colin has been really good about showing his love for how I'm shaped. I'm trying really hard to not be insane about my body lately and get focused on specific parts (OMG CANKLES, OMG NO UPPER BODY STRENGTH).

Colin brought up that I never wear make up which got me insecure. Should I be wearing makeup? This is all insecure. Fuck.

TILT!

2011-09-01T11:17:00.001-07:00

Exercise - MB and I just signed up for our first 5k. ever. I'm so excited and nervous. I know it's not far and I can do it just fine but still. A 5k!! it's for colon cancer since that was the next one on the list ha. Organized. I also got 3 classes for pole dancing this week and agreed to go to a muy thai class on tuesday. fuck it. Though I think my exercise may be connected to my irrational meltdowns about money. I'm currently reading about the naked bikeride this weekend and trying to decide if I love that idea or hate it.

Hurricane Irene - Omg. O.M.G. thank you hurricane irene for causing NYC to evacuate sending my way a very attractive young man that spent 3 days in bed with me. I'd like to insert a lot of dirty words here...but I also don't want to over share...or even share at all actually. So I will say the following: stripper heels, showers w/ company, decadent homemade food, sexual match, handsome man naked. The end.

Routine - I'm happy to hit a lull lately and be back in routine. There's minor bumps w/ the current roommate moving out (miss you Sam!!) and new roommate moving in but for the most part I've fallen into a good, boring routine. Jogging, dinners, movies, shopping. Buying way too many dresses but justifying it to myself. Fall is already here, I think I may have waster my summer? Time for fall goals god damn it. Mix up this routine just a bit.

this photo is beautifiul - from here

The Rest - still being happy about deleting my IAM. movie nights w/ shawn. accidentally hoarding m&ms. drunk friends that send dirty photos. 5k anticipation. finding new blogs. sleeping. jogging to exhaustion. exchanging naked photos of each other like baseball cards w/ friends. men w/ muscles. nutella recipes. filthy text messages in the morning. positive posts on facebook. jogging w/ my neighbor.

TILT!

2011-08-25T11:05:00.001-07:00

from here

Latenight Booty Calls - Lately I've not been getting laid. At all. Period. The end. The last time I was when I went home in mid-July. Last night I had a mediocre date that just happened to live by a handsome man I enjoy seeing naked. So after said date I texted the other man about coming over. Dealt with my dog, changed clothes and biked back to Bill's for some making out. Jersey Shore Lover is what I call him in my mind (holla creepy sleepy photo). We made out on the couch and made our way upstairs where I demanded he take his shirt off immediately. Tan, muscles, wide chest, fuck yes. We had some sexy sex where he told me to be quieter since he has roommates now which made it even sexier. Fuck yes it all.

Summer Cleaning - I've become (once again) determined not to live in an empty crackden looking home. It's not that we are messy, dirty people. We are just so minimal to the point our house looks sad. W/ one roommate moving out and another moving it, it makes now the perfect time to start shuffling things, throwing things, donating and just putting things how I want. All while demanding Dave go along with it. I spent $50 at target last night on tupperware, a shoe rack and nesting jars for dry goods. All good purchases. I'm going to attempt to clean up more tonight...and perhaps nap.

via Tumblr.

Pat - I feel like I can write more openly about him now that I know he won't read it. Pat is hands down the most intimidating man I've ever met when it comes to everything about him. He's beautiful and genuine and I want to hold his hand forever. But I'm completely intimidated by the idea of not living up to what I think he deserves so he's always just been a booty call. The other day I texted him asking for a proper date and luckily he agreed. Time to make changes. Now to try and not become incredibly overwhelmed by it all.

The Rest - Every comment Chaz makes on Shiobhan's Facebook. wood grain animal heads. considerate men. naps. 23y/o Yale grads and milkshakes. Park cuddling. Cap't Crunch. deleting my IAM. spankings in bed. "DrexelAlert: Followup to earthquake. Remain Calm. ". lady dates and awesome girlfriends. responsible pet owners. new recipes. reorganizing. citrus fruit. wearing earrings again that don't make my ears sag. hot, naked bodies. everything bagels. singing amy winehouse at my work desk. regular poops. antlers. every dress forever 21 sells. polka dots.

On This Day In 2010
Erin Clark "if you don’t let people know that their behaviour won’t be tolerated, nothing will change."

TLDR - IAM, over it.

2011-08-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

(TLDR: omg IAM is obnoxious and I deleted it to hate it less)

from here and very similar to how i feel about IAM.

I deleted my IAM this week before I lost my mind. Watching the site crumble, friends defend it and hate it, an awful bugged filled layout, it was all stressing me out. I needed to leave before I hated it forever. I'm going to give it a few months and maybe rejoin then. Once bugs have smoothed out and everyone has calmed down.

I didn't like that I started to get annoyed at friends to the point of wanting to block them all because of their posts on there. I don't like I ask for one thing to be deleted and get brushed off....only to be promised it is deleted immediately once I ask for my entire account to be taken down. I don't like I was told if I joined GLR I'd have way more information about what was going on....since no one can bother to update the news page. I also don't like that people like Cere are allowed to stay on there, when his actions are well known, because he is Cere.

I don't think people being catty and forming subgroups is something new. It's always been like that. And to ever compare IAM to facebook is ridiculous and inaccurate.

What I do like...is how positive IAM was in my life. the community of friends I built up from it both online and in real life. I'll miss reading all my lady friend's updates....facebook just isn't the same. I'll miss the privacy and openness of sharing allowed on there. I'll miss mindlessly flirting w/ dirty men.

When I look at people bitching either for/against new IAM I can't help but think...these people haven't been that active on there for months. Just because 3 years ago you were a top contributor doesn't make it relevant now. I feel justified in my bitching because I really tried. I updated, I encouraged others to update, I commented, I emailed strangers (not just to try and get down their pants), I posted photos. I didn't submit to the bme side anymore...but I'm ok with that. That didn't feel as connected. I really tried to update my iam and stay upbeat as everyone else just complained about the community being dead. and in the community of friends I made on there....it wasn't dead.

I'll miss the updates for sure from all my girlfriends on there. I won't miss lurking the drama of friends or acquaintances since that was just negative energy and time being wasted.

TILT!

2011-08-18T11:28:00.001-07:00

Family Visits - holy shit family visiting was awesome and stressful and amazing and I'm so glad it's over. Thanks to some for helping get my brother stoned so he'd stop being mopey, I ate piles and piles of food with my sister to the point the rest of the family was embarrassed to witness. I also love being able to update about my family so much this year. There was also the following: biking w/ my brother in the city, showing my mom my home, everyone meeting my dog, piles of water ice, realizing how lucky I am to live in this city.

from: him

Shawn - I feel like Shawn needs to come up more because of the amount of time we spend together (once a week is a lot!). We've got to be closing in on 2 years of weekly movies (and my regal card shows I've hit 900 points there....ahem $900). that means I've now committed more dates to him than any boyfriend ever. Wow. Didn't think of it that way before. I wish I'd have thought to save every movie stub, there aren't even words to describe how many snarky conversations we've had after movies

Over the weekend he finally got to meet some of my family and I got the chance to actually talk to his brother for a little bit. It was all such a postive moment.

Personal Blog - I feel like my time on IAM is very limited, my normal blog is here (though if vacation mode is an option I may just shut down a few months). My personal blog is mostly tilt's I copy here and some personal entries thrown in now and then. I'm trying to decide if I want to/don't want to delete my IAM page. I'm really conflicted about the reasons on both sides. I have made amazing friends on IAM...but I contact them all via facebook already. I love the blogs I read but it also feeds into my own self induced drama and lurking other people's drama by being able to read on here. I don't love feeling I need to be thankful and kiss ass for being given a site like IAM and the updates. It's 2011....not using a 10 year old database isn't something to be thankful for...as customers it should just be expected of the service we are using.

this makes me want gold spray paint. a lot of it. from: here

Jogging (again) - Jogging w/ MB is the highlight of a lot of my weeks lately. I've also got my neighbor to start jogging with me 2 other nights a week, sometimes 3. I'm trying to find one more jogging partner. I've realized jogging with my neighbor is better for keeping a solid pace while jogging with MB is perfect for girl talk. I usually time my first mile and last night was my first one under 8 minutes! fuck yes.

The Rest - Underwear with bows. people with positive attitudes. filthy emails w/ photos attached. rude students that come back and apologize. declining old lovers and having them respect that choice. reading dirty emails w/ them next to me still. soft tattoos. astronautalis. cards in the park and making a date for cards+picnic in the park. giving people tours of philly. strong men. bike riding nonstop. recipe shopping. looking at my body in a positive way. annnnnnnd this photo.

TILT!

2011-07-28T09:21:00.001-07:00

RIP Amy Winehouse - from here

Writing Emails I Mean - Fuck, when I'm passionate about something I god damn mean it and this week I've been full of rage and passion. I've sent a small handful of emails to people I'm close to, casual acquaintances and a few near strangers just letting them know how they have positively effected my life. It feels great even if some are long winded and insane rants by the end. I don't care, no shame.

Jogging Partner - I've been jogging with a girlfriend the last month and I never realized what a difference it makes to jog with someone else. It's great! God damn great even. We agreed last night to run a 5k by mid-September and as an incentive we're going to eat at this place we always jog by and it always packed. Also other people's videos have me really inspired to start working out even more. No excuses.

Philly Summers, stereotypical.

Really Focusing on Responsible Choices - I've been on a role lately focusing on being responsible and getting shit done that should have already been done. I got my grill worked on + future appointments to continue that. I had my physical (+ an impulse STD test just for fun!). I opened another savings account w/ a higher interest rate than my current one and made goals for my savings. I had my eyes checked a while back, my yearly lady appt done within that time period, my bills are organized. I have future goals that I need to actually lay out and decide what is do-able or not and I'm really excited for it.

The Rest - my new fascination/desire to sit on any man's face (obviously during a dry spell w/ no offers). powdered flavor added to water. really good jogs. annoying other people to see the dentist since I was brave enough to go. sexting. finally updating my ipod apps and have new stuff on all my angry birds games (shut up). being less insane/insecure about my body. sexting breaks to play angry birds. Katie emailing apologizing for not emailing enough. really nice nurses that take pity on my fears. biking. family coming to visit in one week (ONE WEEK!). spreading the skills of "graceful tantrums". Lemons ---> Lemonade. positive mental attitude. swearing. enchiladas w/ a side of sour cream + sriracha. deer. and lastly THIS photo, who says I don't like love.

SO EXCITED FOR THIS ALBUM.

luck, choices, goals

2011-07-26T08:27:00.001-07:00

I got dinner w/ my neighbor last night, actually he offered me a home cooked meal and showed me a bunch of really great art he's done. He offered to draw me with body innards+bugs all over similar to my intestines if I wanted. which would be awesome and exactly what I want.

But unrelated to that. I was telling him about my life (and here I boast!)...about consistently getting a yearly raise at my work. About getting this job 3 years ago from across the country after applying on a whim. About having a bachelors w/ no student loan debt and the opportunity to currently get a masters basically free also. I have few bills and a momma that will pay my phone bill. I have a savings account that I've maintained. I have mastered the art of living single and happily. I talked to him about appreciating having a feminine shape and being grateful for what I've got physically.

He teased me for being a lucky person and wanting some of my luck. The more I've thought about it though, the more I've realized I'm not so much lucky as I've made positive choices in my life. I didn't want student loan debt, sometimes I get in a stressed out mess when I think about other people's loan debt and have to take a minute to breath. So I looked at ways to go to school for free and found a job within a college. I applied for that job w/ the intention of furthering my education. I have chosen to be picky about partners because I see the disaster relationships around me. I made goals for myself w/ bills and savings that were reachable and stuck to them. I stopped making excuses.

I don't think it's luck that my sister happened to work for the college I first worked at...I asked her if there were any openings and to let me know. she put a good word in for me...because I'm her sister. When you ask for help and make your goals known people are more willing to help you. I don't think I'm lucky that I don't have a car bill/insurance/gas , I made the choice to bike commute. And I don't think I'm lucky that all my crashes were minor, I make the choice to bike slow and steady and pay attention (ok, most times ha).

I do believe that sometimes people just have bad streaks. I had one when I first moved to Philly and felt like my life was falling apart for a few months. But I focused on what needed to be done and what goals I had for my life and worked from there. I see people down on their luck all the time and hitting that point where it feels impossible to get back from there. Philly is full of homeless people that have nothing and no way to move on from there. For every story you hear about a homeless person not making it there is also the stories of the people that aren't going to let their lives be like that and do whatever is needed to improve their lives.

On the other side I think there are some people that are "lucky" and looking at them I wonder how they get by so easily. In a very shallow way I think that often has to do with looks. Attractive people can sometimes more easily get their ways because of how they look. I know I can easily be bent to help someone more based on looks just because I like the image in my mind of making out after I help them . Even if it doesn't happen there is still the chance of that scenario in my mind. (Most) every scuzzy guy out there would probably agree.

In the end, I don't think I'm lucky. I think I've made choices, both positive and selfish, to have the life I currently have.

Your mental attitude is something you can control outright and you must use self-discipline until you create a Positive Mental Attitude - your mental attitude attracts to you everything that makes you what you are. - Napoleon Hill

TILT!

2011-07-21T11:36:00.001-07:00

w/ the young two siblings, we're a surly bunch.

Going Home - fuuuuck my trip to MN was great and too short. I accomplished nothing past going to the wedding and seeing my family, oh and getting caught hooking up by a guys roommate. WE WERE GETTING DRESSED! But anyways, I gambled, I made my mom buy me things, I danced all night w/ a guy my sister made out w/ in Vegas, I swooned over a silver fox. Both my plane rides were smooth, no delays, my mom got her first pedicure with us. I ate a lot of crappy food, added another photobooth photo to the collection of the siblings and I, considered but declined to impulse buy a coach purse. T-minus 2 weeks until my momma+siblings come here. Fuck yes life.

The Rest - WUGAZI nonstop all day. seeing my friends in solid, healthy relationships (I'm looking at you girl). salted seaweed. boob sweat photos exercise goals. undercover bosses. hot chocolate in my icebox of an office on 90+ degree days. sour cream w/ sriracha mixed in on EVERYTHING. genuinely nice students. making out. culvers strawberry lemon ice. jogging w/ a girlfriend and reading great articles about jogging to stay motivated. flirting nonstop. new bike lanes. cherry season. researching 5ks (again). staying motivated w/ working out. full nights of sleep. more jogging. saving money and being responsible. eating well. rice+beans+corn.

TILT!

2011-07-14T09:45:00.001-07:00

woodgrain love - from here

Wugazi - WUGAZI!!!. holy fuck. fuck. dude. I could talk about this all day. fugazi and wutang clan mashed together by Cecil Otter and Andy Swiss. Every dream I ever had in my life is in that last sentence (well plus the part where Cecil and I get filthy together). omg. I can't get over how good this album is. I jogged last night and listened to it, on hte bus this morning, at work currently. This is all I want to listen to forever and ever and ever. Sweet Release is my current favorite.

Flying back to Minneapolis - fuck yeah this has come up more than once lately. I fly back tomorrow morning. In a few more weeks my momma + siblings are here. And I'm getting to+from the airport with no cabs or septa (thanks roommates!!!)! plans involve so far: pedicure (fuck yeah gold toes). gambling and photo booth photos. harry potter. a wedding+reception my family is coming to also. outdoor grilling w/ all the siblings+nieces. Hanging out w/ Ally!! Uh, other shit?

WANT. - from here

First World Problems - the other night someone was telling me about his headlights being out and needing to use his high beams to drive home from the shore. I told him that sounded like a first world problem, then we made out. Later we talked about first world problems in bed and both admitted and appreciated that there is little wrong with our lives. not to say our lives our perfect but when compared to people in 3rd world countries or even friends we are close to....neither of us have any real huge issues in our lives and I need to remember to be happy for that and keep it that way as long as I can. I also need to remember to step back now and then and see changes I can make in myself.

The Rest - Creeping on IAM profiles but not commenting just because I like the idea it's a little bit lurker-ish (it'd be creepier if I didn't send them emails admitting it....or maybe that makes it extra weird). offering photos of my rack in exchange for photos of muscles. friends texting me provocative photos. cherry season (mmmmm I don't care how constipated you make me). dog sitting and the fact it will pay off my credit card bill. wugazi, again. gold nailpolish. picking a PCP because 1. it was a female and 2. her last name is "Gross". being responsible. biking in my pajamas at midnight to watch table tennis with bill (god I have long limbs). THIS SHADOWBOX!!!. cross stitching gifts. larry crowne. going to bed next to a very attractive man and instead of saying good night asking "can you take your shirt off" so I can stare at his body ha.

emotional.

2011-07-11T09:44:00.001-07:00

omg this morning. I'm emotional and convinced I'm depressed when I'm really just sad. I'm getting my period. the beautiful booty call is crumbling, c'est la vie. I had a surpise root canal this weekend.

Annnnd I just spent the last few hours talking to Frank online, the one from before that I was very questionable about being with. in the end he brought up these points.

1. I need to go to therpay for my self esteem + commitment issues.

2. I need to tell men ahead of time I have no intention of ever loving them or commiting to them.

3. "emotional pain from love is the worst feelings possible"

4. We both agree we can't be friends. I ended up deleting him on facebook and blocking him on gmail. I can't handle it.

5. most of my choices are out of fear.

I do think he was correct about a lot of it, though I handled it very defensively when he told me. He was only looking at it from his standpoint though, I rarely get as close to men as I did with him.

and rereading it all now to post this is only making me more sad so I'm just not going to.

TILT!!!! OMG FINALLY

2011-07-07T11:02:00.001-07:00

Baby Brother - omg my baby brother turns 21 today! which means he can legally drink! and...uh that's all that changed? It was my sister's 20th wedding anniversary yesterday and my grandma would have been 80 tomorrow if she hadn't died the other year. But anyways. Fuck yes my brother is now 21. He's old and probably shouldn't be referred to as the baby anymore but it's not our fault he's the only boy and the youngest of 4. Ask for a better birth order next time buddy. I fly home in one week and get to see all my siblings+momma for a friend's wedding. SO GOD DAMN EXCITED.

Richmond - Ohhh roadtripping w/ Siobhan (+ Danger sleeping in the back) was sooo great. Awful playlists, awful food, pretzel rolls from sheetz, giggling about boys, singing along to every pop song possible. Getting to see Katie a few hours and secretly gossiping, meeting Tobias + Jenna. lounging in the pool and near the pool, waking up in a tent, box full of fireworks, falling in love with a stranger and not telling him. homecooking, a break away from Philly, meeting new people.

" I used to live w two pimps when I was 16. they told me that the best game was no game at all. women love the truth" via someone's facebook

Proud Hussy - I feel like if I wrote an actual blog here it would be all "omg I want a booooooyfriend before I die" to "omg why aren't I single" every other week. Ok maybe every other day. but shiiiiit I just want to play men all day, every day and then giggle about it with my girlfriends. I'm only getting down and dirty with one recently and I'll talk all day about how gorgeous he is, how nice he is, how outgoing he is and how in 2 more weeks I'll totally be over it all.

The Rest - glasses a size or two too big for my face. waking up next to him and realizing this is real life. demanding matching tattoos with a tattoo artist. belly rockers that say "thank you". that accomplished feeling after jogging a few miles in the heat. google music at work. oh brother where art thou soundtrack. making dentist+doctor appts like an adult. crunches at work. cold showers on hot days. planning a 10 mile walk. pole classes more often. making a workout mix for Nicole and being really excited about it. ocean salt wash scrub. undercover boss. sex with ropes. writing the most personal TILT to date!

and lastly....."BURRY YOUR DEAD DOG ALREADY."

tilt.

2011-06-30T13:27:00.001-07:00

All I've Got - waking up next to a tan, muscled and handsome man and thinking "is this really my life?". more emails than I can even count w/ Siobhan over the last few days. how excited my dog was to see me this morning. perfect jogging weather. red lentils+barley with feta cheese on top. jazz apples. black+white dresses. keeping my savings goals in check. cherry vanilla hagen daaz. looking up and realizing it's already 4. really sweet text messages asking for midweek sleepovers. melissa coming in august. 2 day road trip with siobahn (holllllllla seeing Katie!!!!!!) with plans of massive car snacks and massive playlists. really good jogging nights w/ a girlfriend. suckering others to start couch to 5k. combos (pretzel and cheese, no crackers). flowers. bike rides (and no flat tires!). table tennis at night. planning date nights. nicole coming this fall. grocery lists other people leave in the store.

2011-05-06T04:43:00.001-07:00

The Rest (cause fuck it I'm going on vacation tomorrow and I'm too excited for a detailed list) - eating the last of my leftovers and impulse making a meal creating more leftovers. new recipe sites. new lovers and constant sleepovers. pedicure anticipation. tan skin. jogging 25 minutes straight (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). really nice students. photobooths. emailing girlfriends. learning to accept my body for how it is. men. woodgrain fabrics. warm blankets on cool nights. youtube makeup tutorials. impulse buying in my mind but not actually making purchases. trying to share my bed with a man+a dog 5 out of the last 6 nights (dude. I know. wtf). having a schedule to eat my daily grapefruit. tattoo planning. harry potter. dried cranberries and honey chex cereal. plans that involve movies in bed. homemade quilts. mixtapes. men with guns.

TILT!

2011-04-14T09:57:00.001-07:00

All of last night - Last night I ate food w/ Katie since she moves out today, met up w/ Shawn and watched a silly movie and then caught up in the car and left his car in time to jog before bed. By keeping on schedule with jogging I am treating myself with a pole class tonight. After all this Kyle calls me to see how I am while he's going home and asks me on a date for today (movies!! where I plan to sneak in brownie and take photobooth photos with him) and he made the date around my pole class since he knew I was excited about it. I passed out exhausted and it was awesome.

If someone got me a set of these...I don't even know what I'd do. I need these for my continued survival. I don't even know if you can buy them.

Warm Weather - Philly totally teased pretending it was warming up a few times over the last month but I feel like this time the cold has finally broken. It'd be sweet if the rain would quit but I keep remind myself it's just washing away the filth of the city and winter. I'm going to spend my summer with friends, minivacations, dates, dancing and biking. I am so god damn excited to wear less layers, pants less often and summer dresses.

My Dog - My special needs, retarded loving dog is the love of my life and an idiot. He got scared of the smoke alarm beeping from a dying battery and refused to eat yesterday (which is gross to leave his food sitting out. It's covered in fish oil and I threw some apple in there to sit all day until he stopped being nervous). He also got leash aggression recently at a dog 20 feet away and managed to land a bite on my arm (hellllo stereotypical pitbull behavior everyone, myself included, tries to say doesn't happen). I've got a sweet $100+ dog appt next week to check his eyes and year on steroids to see what happens now. I feel like using my dog as an example on why to not get a dog and he really doesn't do much wrong.

here

Katie - omg I'm going to marry into her family and tell her I love her always and plan communal living in a giant house and force her to take photos in stripper heels working out w/ me to send to lauren. (uhh Sam, you will need to take that over since the other Katie moved out, FYI) and she's pretty and amazing and should come to visit or just move here. I should start by convincing Tyler to move here also...then she'd have to by default. Marrying her cousin will also force living in the same city. Give it time.

The Rest - watching "independent women" on repeat and thinking of Lauren. Nicole emailing "Is there a reason why you and pat aren't together?" and giggling to myself about it. Planning communal housing with Katie. glasses with wood frames. boat shoes. Dave checking in w/ me before letting his girlfriend over. playing entire cds while working out instead of just shuffling all the ipod. being genuinely excited for a date again. new roommate! (!!!!!!!!!!!!). jogging on a schedule and keeping it (week 4 of 9!). less love handles. old clips of jessica simpson. getting into a headstand against the pole. pink pants and fitted hoodies to jog in. pedicures. paper cranes. sweater weather mother fuckers.

"You're not oppressed by something just because it makes you feel insecure."

and

"I think that promoting insecurity in the form of plastic surgery is infinitely more harmful than an artistic expression related to body modification,” - Lady Gaga

TILT!

2011-04-07T09:27:00.001-07:00

Cheese Parties - A girlfriend emailed me the other day "Ladies Night + Natalie's Birthday Week = Cheese Fest 2011!". oh fuck yeah cheese fest!! The emails back and forth are just amazing so far and I'm so excited. I'm about to google cracker recipes so I can try and bring some homemade ones. I'm also going to buy spicy cheese and refuse to share...mmmmm spicy cheese.

I really need more antlers in my life - from here

Philly's Graffiti Scene - Really this interview with NomNow explains it better than I ever could. Philly has such a rich and growing graffiti scene and it is all beautiful. Lately there has been a ton of stencils being used to spray things that are all super, super great. Helping Nikki put up a yarn bomb the other day has me motivated to do more of my own so I've spent 2 days just crocheting which is awesome and lazy. Even more exciting (!!) the guy I have a thing for (this week, shut up, I admitted it) wants to yarn bomb a tree in south philly some night together!!

Exercise - ok. ok I know this has come up a lot lately but I'm in love with it! After a winter of not exercising at all it's awesome getting back into it. Having Dave watch me exercise, judge me for doing it wrong and talk about how hot the chicks on the dvd are the whole time...less awesome. Jogging, best thing ever. I biked more days than not this week. I'm hoping to pole dance tonight (which means more biking to get there)! If only I ate better so I could actually see a difference in my body, c'est la vie. Actually no, that's not life, that's my own god damned choice and I'm ok with it.

That man pretty much describes my "type" - from here

That Moment - I like tht moment in your life where you realize your life isn't as awful and dramatic as you make it out to be to yourself and others. I had it last week talking to Jessica (who is under 2 months to graduation!!). I live in a home I can afford in a city I love. I have an obnoxious dog that is there for me. I have 0 student loan debt and work a job that will let me continue my education with no debt. I am a single, white female with a strong family I can go back to and reliable income and living situation currently. If I want to impulse buy I can afford it. I'm physically capable to exercise as much as I want. I have no food allergies (well other than bananas). My life is good when I look at it for what it is.

The Rest - discussing crushes with lady friends. impulse frozen yogurt trips. sending silly texts to boys. pretty tattoos. Kendra defending stripping and pole dancing in general. sending emails about silly matching tattoos. venting to girlfriends and ending the vent session with frozen yogurt. biggie smalls. Patty V (!!!!!). rediscovering yogurt covered raisins. bandannas. discussing w/ Dave about getting a 2nd dog like we're having a 2nd child together. sharing fetishes w/ lovers and strangers detailing me their filthy moments. donating old clothes. plans of doodlejump competitions pretattoo. new glasses. cardigans. beans and god damn rice. photos of people jumping.

TILT!!!

2011-03-31T07:33:00.001-07:00

Custom Cards - Holy shit I got the proof of the card I got done of Dave+Elvis+I (creepy roommates forever) and it is so amazing. I ordered a set of 6 from here and I can't get over how great this is while also being OVER THE TOP RIDICULOUS. goodness. I'm so excited to see the other 5 get finished. and then frame them and demand our family hang them up. Creepy. I know. More people should order from her so we can share this amazingness together.

Katie - please see video for full explanation.

I'm not sure why I sound so congested. I know the volume is sorta low. And yes. I did go on for 7 minutes about Katie. Just a tad excessive but it's ok. Things I love always? Miss Katie.

Obsessive Planning - I guess this shouldn't really be something I love and more so something I work on doing less but I god damn love it. I'm currently planning for vegas in may and nicole coming the week I get back. Both of which I'm super, super excited for and will be so amazing the world won't know how to handle it. I was picking up the other day and realized I have 4 books about philly tourism as bed time reading next to my bed. Embarrassing.

oh..and one item from the vegas to-do list: "Drink sparkling San Pelligrino H2O straight from the bottle, and pretend you’re a EuroTrash hobo.". That's the kind of to-do list I'm looking at so far. Be happy you're not coming to vegas with me.

from here.

The Rest - first kisses and good first dates. almost being spring weather again. allergy medicine. well behaved dogs. jogging (!!!!!!!!!!!!!). olives. finishing crafts and loving them. gangster vs gangsta. emailing girlfriends. ballet flats. day dreaming about kitchen aid appliances. accomplishing biking more days than not. piles of photobooth photos with friends. making "to-do" lists for vegas. v necks shirts. not seeing Dave's girlfriend ever. food gawker browsing. peanut sauce. finding out friends filthy acts. 50 cent (fuck, I want to listen to him all day now). how oatmeal gives me amazing (and regular) bowel movements. my dog's ears. texting the wrong person professing my love and demanding they don't make out w/ trashy girls ha. songs that make me want to shake my ass in public.

TILT!

2011-03-24T09:22:00.001-07:00

Jogging - I finished jog 2 of 8 million following the couch to 5k program (I downloaded the app and it made the entire thing way, way more appealing) last night. I imagined it being incredibly hard and wanting to give up but I'm super, super into it already. It helps Mark jogs so in my mind it's a constant competition to be able to keep up with him eventually. I can see already why people get so addicted to jogging. I'm bring the dog w/ me too so I can build up his puppy muscles and burn out his energy.

This note -
"Tried to be cute and send a note to the sound guy in a paper airplane asking if he wants to get a soda with me.
It hit him in the eye.
I am so smooth it hurts."

ines said it best....that really explains all my attempts at flirting and why I'm forever single.

This entire summer coming up - Have I already brought this up? Because I'm still excited about it. Here is my list of things I'm currently excited for: Nicole coming to visit and potentially seeing Childish Gambino with her. Going to Vegas for a friend's bachelor party w/ a dozen old friends and my little sister. Running my first 5k (and starting to jog to prepare). potential CT road trip w/ the pumpkin. Ladies nights all weekend. Katie coming back to visit. Sam moving in.

Secure friends - I really, really like that the majority of my friends are really secure with themselves physically. Every person has things they can complain about for sure...but no one I interact with daily is someone that would bring up their "flaws" in a way to get reassuarnce they aren't like that. I don't want to spend time reassuring my friends they are thin/muscled/flat chested/large chested/toned/attractive to the opposite or same sex. And when it does come up they are looking for honest opinions, suggestions on how to change whatever they don't like. They won't take my opinion and cry that I was honest.

Here...I'll be insecure....I felt fat lately, so I took up jogging to change that. What are you insecure about? Are you doing anything to change it or just complaining?

The Rest - Texting Siobhan to let her know her husband posted a super skanky sexy photo for all to admire cause I'm sorta creepy. pole classes again. citrus and more citrus. making new food and really, really loving it. (mostly) good health. long legs. cross stitching w/ a purpose. starting season 3 of Dexter. swiss miss hot chocolate. Both Amy and John doing TILT's today, I don't care if it is a one time thing I like knowing what makes other people happy. my dog's god damn face and my quilt. Dave coming in my room at 11pm to sing the dog lullabies. fire crotches. talking about Bruce Willis w/ the housekeeping guy at work. spring cleaning (and sending Dave emails demanding he help). Men (specifically 6 foot, 30 somethings w/ greying hair). more bike rides than subway rides. watching the fifth element....all weekend long. comb over bangs.

This video makes me want to cut my hair, wear some makeup and jump up and down in all my clothes. And maybe impulse buy an izone camera....or some sort of instant film camera. I can't get over how good that video is...fuuuuuck.

tilt!

2011-03-17T10:20:00.001-07:00

valentine roses a month later w/ one sad dog in the morning.

Little things: Siobhan's emails. Everything in this etsy shop, holy shit miniature food as rings. warm god damn weather. oranges. demanding my mom make me a quilt which she of course agrees to and shopping for fabric for it. using etsy descriptions as a blog of sorts. making craft swaps (anyone want to???). Realizing what a junkie I am for sugar and embracing lent for forcing me to give it up willingly. Dave calling to check in when I'm at work and ordering custom made cards of us like the creepy domestic couple we are. Dog walks to city hall. country strong soundtrack. successfully making cupcakes (sugar loophole!!!). reading what my friends love this week via facebook. day dreaming about naps. constant crushes. men and ladies that send panty shots. friends coming to visit (just got a message from another one!).

and selfishly being thankful I don't live in Japan and didn't have to experience that. The photos are horrifying. A high school friend potentially lost his brother, sister-in-law and 2 nieces, they are in Japan and they still haven't heard from them. A friend lives there and is going through rolling blackouts. I can't even imagine what that must feel like.

also re posting from Facebook...if this is payback for Pearl Harbor, I'd hate to see what's in store for America for the only two nuclear attacks in the history of humanity, for slavery, for the genocide of Native Americans, for Manifest Destiny, for racial subjugation, for all its pollution, etc. Americans should be scared shitless if this is "Karma."

To end positive.....Ben Franklin's daily schedule.

I really like the notes on the left...."what good shall I do this day?" and "What good have I done today?".

TILT!!

2011-03-10T08:48:00.001-08:00

"men are conditioned by society (and women too!) to believe that women are mysterious, irrational, un-decipherable, incapable of being understood, etc. don't even get me started on the "mystery of the female orgasm" and squirting and the fact that the clitoris was only "officially" discovered like 50 years ago and the g-spot is actually considered controversial. (sex-positive feminist rant!!! rage!!! ahhhh!!!) guys are basically told from birth that they'll never figure us out, so most don't even try. (again, this is emotionally AND sexually.) it's the ones that do that are worth keeping around.
fucccck I love Siobhan.

Movie Night Bitchfest - I'm pretty sure because of missing the movies last week I've been way more high strung this week (+ the added stress of a roommate moving back in) and this weeks movie was needed so I didn't meltdown. Shawn and I have been going to weekly movies well over a year now (and my regal card will confirm that with the 657 points I have....aka $657 spent on movies) and it is now a needed part of my week. For survival. This weeks meant catching up on the last 2 weeks of our lives with our weekly chat for an hour or so after the movie. We both exploded in excitement and annoyance about everything going in our lives and our friends and I was home by 11. What better is there? An unbiased person to bitch to and can complain back to you in the secret bubble where everything is kept to ourselves. BEST SITUATION EVER.

hhahhaha oh Ruben, calling me out for the truth. Love.

Being Single - Yes, I know, I write about how I love being single at least once a month but this time is more specific. I love choosing to be single instead of choosing to be w/ some shitty guy because I'm afraid to be alone. More than once in my life I've watched girlfriends stay in shitty, shitty relationship just because they decide it is better than being alone. Sure, being alone can be tough sometimes but I would, and do, choose this over a shitty boyfriend. Recently a great girlfriend left her shitty boyfriend after she mulled it over a few weeks and it is so great to see. For people to be brave enough to lead a life that makes them happy instead of settling for the negative thinking they can't get any better.

You know, just journaling w/ my mornings...writing the wrong date and all.

Little Miss Katie McShady - Because one post about her isn't enough. Good god. MOVE TO PHILLY GIRL!!!! I'll refuse to cook you anything since your food allergies are just too much for me but I'll take you to every gluten free, vegan place in the city and woo your god damn pants off. I convinced her/she was willing to ride a million miles when she was here and it renewed my love of philly and the history it holds. I need more visitors to force be my personal tourist....or Katie just needs to hurry back. Either way is fine w/ me. Anyways, Katie is completely different from how people described her or else we are just the same person and I don't see it and she is totally just as amazing as every person on the internet has said. fuck yes. And I watched her manhandle and break a chair and a pair of boots. What man ever did that to impress me??? None of them!!

Lent - I am not religious...and I'm tired of hearing "I'm giving up lent for lent" I get it. funny. I'm giving up candy for lent because I need someone to set up start and end dates, goals, for me to give up anything. Or an organized religion to already have it set up for me. If a stranger told me to give up something for one month to see if I could I totally would because I was given a time limit. This TILT is getting insane. I need to stop this rant now. Woot lent.

The Rest - plaid vests. my dogs morning face. biking more days than not. signs of spring and living somewhere w/ clear changes in seasons. being spoiled. photo booths. giant stuffed deer heads and homemade quilts being mailed to me from my mommmmmmma. sending scuzzy emails. soft bellies. Matt Damon's accent. online banking to feed my obsession of staring at my bills nonstop. Monsoon rain that is really just Philly crying about Katie leaving. Royal Tavern brunch. friends in love. eating healthy. baked mac and cheese. seeing what others love when I post on facebook and finding random tilt's on IAM. nightly 3 mile dog walk back in session. making plans w/ lady friends.

and this song....is all I want to listen to.

TILT!

2011-03-03T12:04:00.001-08:00

Emailing w/ Siobhan - I can't even being to explain how much I love our emails. We just started in the last week or so and every time she emails me I have to take a break midway to catch my breath from laughing so hard. I sit at my desk at work and try so hard to keep it in and not laugh and blush quite so noticeably and usually send her one sentence emails so excited about what she said that I can't wait to properly reply. It is amazing to have someone in a different situation (married vs. forever single) but with a very, very similar thought process on things to do w/ relationships. I have an email in my inbox just waiting for me to reply that I am so excited for.

I was going to quote some amazing words from her last email....but it is all too amazing to skip any so instead I'll just quote something that I emailed to her.

I totally just texted S, the dude from the other night "I want your face between my legs and your cum on my ass".

Love my life. Uh, and before anyone gets the wrong idea and assumes based off that line. I'm still not fucking anyone I'm not kissing first dates.

Art Swaps - I got an email the other day from a graffiti guy I loosely follow offering an art swap if I cross stitched him something for a print and wheat paste from him. I'm really, really excited about it. What he asked for is totally my style, lots of grays and pastels, something for the bathroom w/ a quote from "Trolls 2". It's really my dream of something to swap. I'm totally into working on it now, at work hah.

trusty pig

Being a Tour Guide - With little miss Katie coming for just 24 hours I went into a frenzy of planning yesterday because I want to show everyone the best of philly and why they too should love it. I sent a few huge emails to her detailing what our choices were in a pretty manic and panicked way. Goodness. I'd be overwhelmed if I was her at the excitement I plan to pack into those 24 hours. I fucking love Philly and want the rest of the world to love it too...by pushing them to everything amazing in this city while sidestepping homeless people and dirty needles on the ground.

Positive Moments w/ Past Lovers - That seems unnecessarily long of a title but I wanted to fit it all in. I recently saw a lover that has broken my heart more times than not though it was always my own doing. In the last month we've seen each other twice and it was two of the most positive moments I've ever had with him. Half naked and buried under blankets, he told me the candles weren't mood lighting he just liked the smell. It was all really gentle and quiet and lusty now and then but within reason. Clothes stayed on, boundaries were set, it was really all I'm looking for in life lately. I don't want to fuck, I don't want to cuddle, I want to lie half naked in bed and hold your hand.

yes...I know. I shouldn't support this. But here I go posting it.

The Rest - yogurt covered raisins. jersey shore (Vinny!!!!). #winning. wawa. astronautalis. pastels. filthy emails (more please!!!!). birthing stories. iphone spell check mistakes. quoting jay z. twitter. cross stitching as work....secretly. philadelphia. dave cooking me dinner....while he makes some girl wait...and then doesn't offer her any. mormon sex. makeup tutorials. kanye west cameos in old hip hop videos. sitting. deer prints. piles and piles of citrus. paper cranes. Realizing I'm a spoiled, bratty lady towards men and embracing it.

TILT!!

2011-02-24T07:39:00.001-08:00

always the lonely pole dancer.

Personal Goals - I just made a personal goal that the next time I get laid I'm going to tell him "your body is a wonderland" afterwards. I've never been so excited to have sex. Uh...someone sleep w/ me? Cause I'm in a dry spell which I'm all for, you know, until I thought of saying that.

Sending john flirty emails - because he's so attractive I can't help but tell him weekly, and I feel other ladies should take that up as a hobby also.

"Five a.m. sex that left me wheezing and sneezing. Why anyone gets naked in front of me is a mystery."

I can't get over how amazing that visual is in my head. I want to call him johnny and hold his hand all night while listening to him sneeze. I often question why men get naked in front of me when afterwards I'm kicking them out of my bed to make room for my dog and I refuse to cuddle. Oh and I make personal goals to quote John Mayer in bed.

omg omg cecil otter!!! - here

Debt - I am insane about my debt...INSANE!! Irrationally insane to the point of annoying my friends. I just got debt on my credit card booking a plane ticket and I look at it daily to freak out. I can easily pay it off. My entire debt is under $500 dollars. But I think I need a little bit of debt to help me freak out nonstop. It keeps me from bringing other unneeded drama in my life when I already have something to freak out about. I send a weekly itinerary of my bills+money to a friend to make him reassure me I am doing ok and help me keep in check when I spend too much.

Pole Class - I'm really 50/50 with pole classes lately. I'm not working on anything new since I'm so out of shape but it's a good work out when I go pending the teacher. Last night was one of those amazing classes where I couldn't get enough. There was a girl that was around the same level as me so we practiced together. she's a dancer at some club and made me decide if this professional job thing doesn't work out I could totally be a dancer. She knew 3 moves well. 3! I can do more than her in my sleep! She also told an amazing story about losing her dancing, breaking a flat screen tv, bounced off that to hit a client, who then tipped her more. NEW GOALS!

The Rest - making "too bitch about" mental lists before movie nights. Patty V. quietly (and mindless) flirting. saving recipes in hopes I'll get my appetite back. flu season 2011. prednisone. ikea french fries. easter candy season. being a reliable lady. M(en). milkshake dates. jennifer aniston. friends detailing their filthy moments. ok strangers too. oranges. country strong soundtrack and kanye west on repeat. job browsing. nice emails from exes that own up to their flaws. drunk cock shots and the follow up texts in the morning begging me to delete it (and repeating itself weekly hahahah). Katie coming home. Other Katie coming to visit. astronautalis performing (!!!). gross tattoos. living in philly. cop fetish. hot chocolate. how easy the east coast makes it to travel around the area. disgraced politicians in sex scandals. planning pickup lines by studying biggie smalls lyrics.

TILT!

2011-02-17T08:05:00.001-08:00

Emails - I really like long, meaningful emails that I'm super passionate about. Not really pushing my feelings+beliefs on others....but you know, strongly suggesting...or babbling excessively about how to live in a positive way. fuck I don't even care if the emails aren't meaningful. I like knowing things about other people, I like getting to know strangers, I like making new lady friends and sharing stories the way ladies do.

mmmm heart shaped foods - here

Quiet Mornings - Most days of the week I can usually make it 3 hours into my morning before I have to say a full sentence to anyone, other than "good morning" to my bus driver. I'm not a cranky morning person. I just want to be left alone a little bit, or else I do get cranky. Sometimes Dave tries to fuck up my weekends by making me interact early but luckily lately he's staying at his gf's all weekend so I A. get my mornings alone still and B. still don't have to see his idiot girlfriend's face since he's spending the night there. Fuck yeah.

Crushes - I'm still having a crush on the same person, M, for the last few months even though it hasn't gone any further than when we first met and I know it's about time I change my mindset to just be friends. Which I would welcome just as much as having a crush on him. I look forward to talking to him daily, which is a strange change from past crushes, and figure eventually we will see each other again. This actually isn't that positive or something I love I'm realizing but fuck it, it's already here. Someone, please be my new crush so I can quietly be heartbroken over this one and move on quickly.

sometimes winter looks ok. - here

The Rest - being an hour late to work and still the first one there. dale earnhardt jr.'s sexy face (ginger!!!!). spring weather. my dog's cranky face. tattoo planning when I had accepted I wasn't getting many more ha. sneezing over and over again. 50 cent. heart shapes. dexter. being sick allowing me to spend 3 days in bed. silly tattoos. tower of treats. weather.com's forecast these last few days, I'm so god damn excited it's finally 50ish no matter how short is lasts. tweezing my eyebrows...finally. veggie broth and saltines. blue eyes and all of josh sundquist's youtube videos where he's all "hello I have the bluest eyes and I love my life and you should love your life" and then you fall in love with him. paid sick time. brownies. easter candy. east coast trifecta planning. underpants parties planning. vietnamese hoagies. siobhan posting half naked photos and me being a creep about it.

and lastly....remembering it's ok not to be sickly thin, I'm a lady, ladies are supposed to have curves. That doesn't make me obese. Ladies aren't expected to have a 6 pack.

TILT!

2011-02-10T05:56:00.001-08:00

This entire last weekend - dancing, photos, friends, biking, pole class, dog walks, cooking. I accomplished more this past weekend than I have all winter and it was amazing. I'm trying to figure out what more I can say but I feel like nothing can really sum it up. It was one of those weekends where I'm glad they don't happen all the time but when they do I wonder how I lived without something so amazing in my life.

tainted love.

MeShell - Lets be creepy for just a second....you know when you have an internet friend and you're all "oh, they're pretty and seemingly nice and interesting" and whateva. And then you finally meet and it's like....whoa....way too pretty and amazing and adventurous to intimidating levels. That is meeting MeShell. And I love her.

Flirting w/ Strangers - This weekend marked the first time such a large group of friends could watch the process of me flirting. How over the course of an hour I can go from mutually ignoring someone on the other side of the couch to rubbing their head and face like we're the only ones in the room. Thursday night I had a "date" of sorts w/ a stranger where I swore after I wasn't going to kiss people in public anymore, broke that resolution the next night. What, I have a thing for new people and treating them like i've know them forever.

Not Baking - I look forward to cooking anything lately that doesn't involve baking. fuck baking and you accurate measurements, i'll take my handfuls, pinches and "that looks like enough". My recipe mess of links has gotten more organized and I have meals and meals just waiting to be made. a mushroom cream sauce over chicken and a spinach and artichoke pizza from scratch is up for the next few days. Happy belly.

The Rest - fuck yeah america. long dog walks in warmer weather. Loews observation deck and meeting a couple that just got engaged as we left. texting about the weather. new pens and journals. how good my savings account looks lately. monday's. homemade dog treats (who knew beef liver was so cheap??). internet stalking. new dresses. los jalapenos. texts from Sam about her great date. "I raised awareness so you could call me daddy". crock pot chili w/ sharp cheddar and sour cream on top. country strong soundtrack. men w/ empty lunchbags getting off work. Vince Vaughn. texting about the weather. cupid is stupid. first poop after eating a bowl of oatmeal+flaxseed.

and the highlight of the entire weekend.....Kevin saying "wait, you didn't already know him?".

TILT!

2011-02-03T08:15:00.001-08:00

Summer - I fucking miss summer later. Biking in dresses, frozen yogurt, long walks with the dog. tourists in old city, late night rides home in warm weather, ac running before bed. cold showers, less layers of clothing. seasonal vegetables, awful summer blockbusters I love, my friends not using "seasonal depression" as an excuse to whine about their lives nonstop instead of just getting over it and going out.

Winter - I don't miss heatwave 2010, winter isn't that bad when I remember that. I like layering on blankets at night and cuddling the dog. hot showers before bed. cups and cups of hot chocolate. using snow storms+ice as a reason to hermit down more nights than not watching tv and crafting. Boots w/ thick socks and tights paired with dresses. Scarves and mittens while biking. Still being able to bike in the winter. the winter makes me appreciate summer and the fact I live somewhere w/ full seasons. Seasons are important for time to move slower.

Being Selfish - Sometimes I come across past lovers and look at their lives and just breath a sigh of relief that isn't me. It's not that their lives are bad....but they are not what I want. I'm glad they found what they desired and I'm glad I wasn't it in the end. that nobody had to bend too far to make someone happy. I'm glad i'm not married, I don't have children, I have few responsibilities. I also happy I no longer have hard feelings for anyone...I wish them happiness and I'm glad they found out....though that doesn't mean I want them back in my life ever. I really like that I'm able to live the life I want, how I am. My only dependent is my dog and supporting him is just fine with me.

The Rest - Jay Z. new moleskine and cookbooks ordered. wooden bowls. yogurt and granola. accidentally saving money. over the knee socks. not being racist. giving compliments I mean. making milk shake eating dates w/ M. Dave's girlfriend never coming over anymore (fuck yeah!). not ironic facial hair. pole dancing class and the sore muscles after. valentine's day cards for people I care about. day dreaming about tattoos then remembering I already have it tattooed. mindless flirting. convincing M not to shave his face until after our next day so I can feel his facial hair one more time. new friends coming to philly for the convention.

TILT!

2011-01-27T12:09:00.001-08:00

"Girl, you must be a broken traffic light because you're sending me mixed signals"
The Rest: biggie smalls nonstop, with a little kanye mixed in now and then. helping others celebrate their birthday while refusing to celebrate my own. 5 minute cuddle sessions with elvis every morning. justifying my own crazy girl behavior. sorta snow days. build-up, teasing, kissing on the couch. fresh bread. drinking intense amounts of water to see how light colored I can get my pee to be. remembering I love Patty V. eating at nice places. uncomfortably flirting. the east coast. spray paint tags. this love story (yeah it's long, shut up, it's love). googling recipes and meal planning obsessively. watching dexter. obscene amounts of candy. sleeping with a pitmix on one side and a dauschund on the other. jogging bras aka the best thing ever to make my rack look small. biking in 30 degree weather and relishing how good it feels. long legs. bar soap. winter forcing everything to slow down. movie nights w/ shawn. mixing up the routine. antlers. daydreaming about forearm tattoos even though I know I'll never do it.

TILT!

2011-01-20T09:22:00.001-08:00

Lindsay Lohan - Ok, not so secret love....and mostly because of her rack which makes me feel less insecure. I loved her spread for New York Magazine a few years ago, I love her train wreck self, I love her fire crotch. I mostly just love that spread and think that more people need to remember it. I didn't really care about Marilyn Monroe...but Lindsay Lohan did her good in that skanky set.

Facebook - I deleted a dozen or so people off facebook the other day. I rarely add people I don't know and had a small handful that I was annoyed every time they posted but too lazy to get rid of. I also still had Dave's now ex on there who reads my posts to fuel her jealousy and anger towards me. Deleting them all was great and now I can write about hanging w/ my roommate without fear of starting a fight between them. I know it's just the internet and I shouldn't focus so greatly on a social networking site...but I'm going to damn it and love it.

Still in love with jackalope's - from here

"That Girl" - I'm thankful I'm not that girl. I love not being that girl. that girl that everyone mocks, that makes bad choices over and over and lives up to the stereotype of a flighty female. Watching the ladies I hold close and ones I don't knew as well throw fits are a good example of what I don't want to act like. It's not that I'm judging them or their choices....I just know choices like that are ones I wouldn't want to make. I realize people can look at my life as an example of choices they wouldn't want to make (hello insecure, commitment phobic, awkward) but it all works really well for me and I'm happy with my life.

The Rest - Kanye West playing w/ a full orchestra. vegas planning. impulse buys. wawa hot chocolate. cooking with the pumpkin. snow days. shaving my junk just to take dirty photos for Lauren. country music. Garrett Hedlund's voice. movie night back on schedule. quiet crushes. citrus fruit. making lists and goals nonstop. clean sheets. remembering my dog really is well behaved. countless gmail drafts filled with links, quotes and half done blog entries. sending messages that say "lets make out and hold hands soon" and not being mocked. crafting sunday's with Rachel. bread makers, rice cookers and ice cream makers. yogurt covered raisins.

TILT!

2011-01-13T08:35:00.001-08:00

My Momma - I know I've typed a thousand words about my mom before but I still mean it and love her. She just ordered me a bread machine after I freaked out about money (and with the money I saved not buying that I ordered 2 sports bras!) and she's mailing me reusable ziplock bags she made. When I was home she mailed me back 2 quilts I picked out for Dave and I that I love (mine).

found this while searching out other cross stitching stuff. super cute.

Writing out Goals - I believe every motivational speaker I've seen, what I work in an office and work gathering have those sometimes, and they all say when you write down a goal you're 125% more likely to accomplish it. OK, I also read motivational blogs and get emails but that is not the point. I feel so good after writing down goals for my year and I'm excited to plan out how I can accomplish them. I also wrote out goals of bigger purchases that I want to buy this year and prioritized them. I need to follow my list and stay motivated with goals. totally doing a 6 months check in.

And Accomplishing Goals - I have a bread maker on the way to help w/ one of my goals and I just signed up to start training for a 10 mile run this May. Starting Feb 1st they are training at the gym I go to. I'm really excited for this, I've always wanted to job but never knew how to do it properly and was always uncomfortable with it since I'm so stacked on top. I just ordered 2 sports bras and I'm looking at shoes this weekend though so I'm set. I keep skimming my goals list and trying to decide what I should be doing next. Excited!!!!

new love. jackalopes.

The Rest - Tom Hanks son Chet Haze is a white boy rapper in chicago, oh hell yes. national treasure. gwyneth paltrow singing. making dates. kissing Mark. teeth. meal planning. yogurt covered raisins. looking through my flickr stream and remembering all the positive things that went on during each photo. completing crafts. oh you. vegas bachelor party planning. going back to pole class. shoveling powder snow. cups and cups of hot chocolate. photobooth photos. old episodes of cribs. using facebook to actually get information I want. jogging anticipation. jackalopes. being able to eat gluten.

TILT!

2011-01-06T13:30:00.001-08:00

I wasn't going to post a TILT this week but I've realized how much I have to be happy for and it is the first Thursday of two thousand and heaven....so here I go.
Myself - I am 100% totally happy and in love with how I am. I'm honest to a fault towards men, I flirt badly, I blush often, I panic about irrational things (omg I have $200 of debt, I'm going to be homeless!!). I'm thankful I don't have the faults I see in some other women and I have an effort to not be like that. I'm by no means perfect but I've learned how to work what I have and balance my crazy.

My brother tolerates a lot of my demands...such as fake knuckle tattoos on Christmas. After we went to the casino and all lost money, took photobooth photos and then ate at Perkins at 2am. It was like being 18 all over again.

Being back in Philly - Leaving Philly always feels really, really needed because this city stresses me the fuck out. but I'm always so happy when it comes time to come back. I was gone for a week in MN for Christmas which was amazing but I was glad to come back here as a home. I get so flustered when I break my routine and hanging out in 9 degree weather w/ 3 feet of snow gets old...real quick. Making new routines, plans and working this 2011 year like it was meant to be since I got back.

part 2 of what I posted the other week. more photobooth. There needs to be more photobooth photos in general. who wants to hang out and find one?

The Rest - the perfect amount of layers for biking. glasses a little too big for my face. cee lo playing while I bike (not safe, I know). cecil otter all day. making lists. cross stitching at work. sending uncomfortable emails. Being able to be 100% honest with the new fling. hearts. quilts on the way via my momma. exploiting fetishes. mike beer. being done dog sitting and in turn appreciating my dog more. cooking dinner w/ dave and planning out meals together. mummers on 2 street. new years goals. making out. getting back on routine. big boxes mailed from my mom.

Two Thousand and Heaven Resolutions.

2011-01-03T09:52:00.001-08:00

Last year I made a list of 35 things I wanted to accomplish in 2010. I only did 16...looking back I should have thought it out better. So here is this years list.

1. Keep a minimum balance of $2500 in one savings account, open a second with a minimum balance of $1000.
2. Bring sexy back.
3. Work on better basic training w/ Elvis and more dog socialization.
4. Bike more days than not to the shuttle.
5. Try rock climbing, belly dancing, ballet and some sort of combat sport (boxing? ladies tai kwan do?)
6. Experiment cooking w/ more vegetables and beans I'm not using enough.
7. Successfully cook bread.
8. Go to vegas for Tim's bachelor party, force my sister also to come there for it.
9. Make a decision regarding going for my Masters.
10. Unsubscribe to daily automated emails that I never read and just delete.
11. Stop letting other people's negative feelings effect me.
12. Buy a film camera and take more film photos (hipster route??)
13. Make more crafts.
14. Buy a bread maker, a good set of pots+pans and a new bike.
15. Work on a better morning routine.
16. Either make it to the gym, pole classes, or work out at home (ahem morning routine?) 3 times a week.
17. Keep my credit card balances at 0.
18. Doodlejump tattoo.
19. Make chickpea burgers.
20. Organize my mess of recipes online and printed out by what I like, what I hate and what I need to make.
21. Call+text+email+snail mail my siblings more.
22. Look into a partially raw diet for Elvis, learn more about what is healthy for him without getting over the top with it.
23. Research if it actually does make sense to marry my roommate for financial purposes.
24. Get back to daily breakfast of oatmeal+flaxseed at work.
25. Make a list of more expensive items I want and prioritize it so I can actually buy them instead of just putting it off and doing with out.
26. Start volunteering at AIDS Thrift
27. Eat less cheese, give it up for at least a quarter of the year.
28. Only refer to this year as two thousand and heaven.
29. Start jogging. For real this time.
30. Read more books, cookbook and otherwise.
31. Write in my journal more, use my spare notebook for grocery lists and plans so I can try to be more organized.
32. Read more blogs that are positive. (suggestions?)
33. Get a PCP, dentist and any other health+medical related stuff I should have done. Take advantage of paying for this insurance I have.
34. Send a postcard in to postsecret, send more postcards to friends.
35. Do not become THAT GIRL over my weight and instead be the example I'd want to see in other women.

Resolution: I will learn to bake better. One loaf of bread a month (using the bread maker isn't cheating) and one kind of sweet. I'll also continue to cook at home 3 times a week and aim to make one new thing once a month.

TILT - Recap

2010-12-30T22:12:00.001-08:00

Count Your Blessings - 2010

1. This year was the first time in 5 years that I committed to a monogamous relationship. Chris and I dated for most of the year in what could be described as a unstable at best but it was a good first try and a good example of what doesn't work (uh openly cheating may have been a bad idea hah). It was also the end of going on dates with men named Chris which had an amazing streak before that.

2. This was also the year of growing even closer with Philly girlfriends and realizing the importance of bros over hos, or however the ladies over booty calls equivalent is said.

3. I followed through with my 2010 goal of learning to cook better, cooking more. I cooked almost nonstop this year, used the internet to my advantage to find recipes and learned a lot of lessons along the way. I also learned a lot of failures and still get stressed out and annoyed by the entire process. But I can now easily cook myself and Dave a meal and know the chances are high it will come out edible for sure.

4. Elvis....oh Elvis. Someone told me once ‎"your dog is very close to being a special needs child." which is very, very accurate. He drives me completely insane, costs a lot for his upkeep and is totally the light of my selfish little life.

Everything Else - wood grain. Patty V. wearing moccasins every season. owl print. citrus. 1,000 different pasta dishes. old man cop. 6th street. A year of movie nights w/ Shawn. jazz apples. vegan food blogs. Bruce Willis. gingers. pedicures in south philly salons. ben and jerry's ice cream. reading the "wonderful world" section on msnbc. affording a ticket home and a week w/ my family. cooking w/ my siblings. small dogs. talking on chat with Mark. grey clothes at 40% off. planning goals and resolutions. positive people and HIV jokes. sex and the city nights.

TILT!

2010-12-23T10:00:00.001-08:00

Love!!!

The Rest - Planning meals. nonstop ikea trips and DIY anything. being single, straight and sexist. Realizing how sexy john.ainley is and telling him all about it (+ added bonus talking to other ladies about his sexy levels and questioning how no one told me sooner!). cross stitching last minute presents. reassuring texts from Andrew about doodlejump. vegan chicken noodle. dinosaur stickers. salted sesame sticks. M. going HOME!!! kanye west's new album on repeat. warmth. stencils. meat charts. mild present shopping. wawa hot chocolate. arguing w/ Dave in public. adoption. wiki searching. the old man security guys mindless flirting. 4 grapefruit days. setting ridiculous goals (really, do I need to eat 4 grapefruit today? does that prove anything to anyone?). not being in my early 20's (oh hey 28 soon). flickr searches for cross stitching ideas. cranky crafting at work. hot chocolate. winter. bracing myself for 3 feet of snow and single digit weather just for family. finding new blogs.

TILT!

2010-12-16T09:39:00.001-08:00

nom now piece.

Dating - Or more specifically not dating Dave's (crazy insane and insecure) girlfriend, not dating C anymore and that heartache and going on dates w/ others that remind me that I genuinely do like Mark. I had two dates last night and cancelled one, the deciding factor being one was taller than the other. I'm so in love w/ the entire dating scene again even if I'm only into one dude, again.

Momma's - My family doesn't really exchange gifts for chritsmas and birthdays. If we want/need something our mom will always buy it but it's not really a focus. Usually she just fills a stocking w/ little things we like. Growing up we always knew if we asked for something, within reason, we would get it so I think it stopped us from asking for too much. Or at least me, I didn't want that guilt. I've never asked for anything really, I've never borrowed money from my parents and they have never had to cosign any loans for me. For Christmas this year my mom sent me a check for $300. I was amazed. I'm probably just opening another savings acocunt with it ha.

Haha I was so excited to be back in pole class - here.

Books - The other day I went on a date w/ a lit/history nerd where we spent an hour in a book store just browsing. Admittingly I spent most of the time huddled in a corner w/ the recipe books writing notes in my journal. I just ordered a new recipe book, a book by my favorite blogger and I'm looking to pick up a few biographies this week. I really like being able to hold a book...even if a kindle would make more sense. I also like how a stack of books looks next to a bed on the side table compared to a pile of ipad+ipod+kindle+laptop would look to read books.

The Rest - Cross stitching at work. planning out presents. Resolutions and goal planning for 2011 (two thousand and heaven???). craft nights and lady date planning. giving away leftovers. free clothes. using flickr for inspiration. pussy and religion. pineapple. downloading music. layering for winter. mild flirting. forcing Dave to tend to my needs. movie night back on (2 weeks is too long of a break). STD vs. STI. sensitive feelings. watching elvis+peanut play tug-of-war. volunteering opportunities. Fantasy Factory. new lady friends. brussel sprouts. cooking. well behaved dogs. And Patty V.

TILT!

2010-12-09T07:08:00.001-08:00

How great is this!!!! from: here.

Patty V - always and forever. I went to a holiday party w/ him this weekend which we counted as our first date. I was just a safe choice since I don't drink and know how to dress nicely so he didn't have to worry about me making an ass of myself embarrassing him in front of strangers. Later he said sweet nothings and teased me for almost cuddling in the cab. too tough to cuddle. Oh! And somehow he bruised me here and it only bruised inside my tattoo's stomach. So weird.

Cooking Ambitiously - This one is mostly Robin's fault for posting a million links of delicious food I want to eat....also the Internet for implying that all of this stuff is easy to make. I feel like every recipe I read looks totally easy and all the reviews claim it is that I go in the kitchen fearing nothing. This doesn't always work out for me...but when it does it's a great feeling.

I love you. All of you. from: here.

2010 Count Your Blessings - I saw that on a church sign the other morning and it made me think back on the positives of this last year and being thankful for my weekly TILT. I'm excited to look over them over the next few weeks and write a post all about the amazing things that took place in 2010 and I'm glad I posted them as a reminder of the positive.

The Rest - The neighbor telling me Dave and I make a cute couple. Trading recipes with Robin. sweater tights and warm leggings. how garter belts automatically make you feel sexy. feeling more comfortable in the kitchen. crescent shaped bruises. Kanye West. hot cops. clean laundry. dog pajamas. hot chocolate on cold mornings. Karen O. facebook chat. when Dave actually eats what I make. looking good on paper. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen movies. nonironic facial hair. having the choice to not bike. talking nonstop about graffiti to someone that actually cares too. stencils.

"your dog is very close to being a special needs child."

2010-12-08T07:20:00.001-08:00

When my dad went to the hospital a few years ago they had the admitted date along w/ TBA for when he would be discharged. When they realized it was terminal cancer they just erased the TBA and left it blank. It was one of the most insensitive things a hospital could ever do.

how do you explain to a cancer patient pumped w/ medicine they are going to die when they can't always figure out what is going on. Because sometimes he'd wake up and not know who he was or who we were. And sometimes he'd wake up and feel perfectly fine and not remember why he was there.

It still doesn't really seem real.

verizon holiday party

2010-12-06T07:25:00.001-08:00

I spent my weekend trying to prepare for tonight's date with M...which I'm still not prepared for. So incredibly nervous. I'm cooking him dinner and I know it will be fine but I'm still so nervous. The house is so cold from trying to save money it makes it hard to want to do anything. In middle of trying to make bread+mashed potatoes yesterday (to prepare for today) Pat messaged me about a party.

So I ended up going to Macy's and impulse buying this dress and wearing it with stripper-esqe shoes. Jessica+I met up for dinner first where we went to Pat's work and I looked awful and sick and greasy. Went home to clean up and met Pat at broad+locust. He looked adorable in his suit and my heels didn't make me taller than him. We counted is as our official first date and walked nervously to the party which had started 2 hours previous.

We got there just in time for the dinner+awards to end for the company throwing it and as the blackjack tables and dancing started. Open bar, gambling w/ fake money, corporate people dirty dancing, trays of brownies. the last hour was spent with a mixture of people watching and quietly flirting with each other. 1am cab ride, where the cabbie turned the meter off and tried to drop us off 12 blocks from home, and stumbling in the house. Woke up half naked and kissing at 6:30 trying to get out of bed and ready for work. Teeth imprints on various body parts, small bruises even more places, goodness.

He muttered sweet nothings I guess you could call it in middle of the night that made me blush and giggle. I'm pretending it didn't happen and told him I have a crush on him again so we can't hang out. love.

tilt!

2010-12-02T09:24:00.001-08:00

Ohhhh them - from here.

Cecil Otter and Astronautalis - Never before has hiphop seen two more attractive rappers together, I would give my first child to see the two of them perform together. Cecil Otter is like the Morrisey of hip hop and all I've listened to lately is his Rebel Yellow album. So god damn good. All I listen to at work all day is Astronautalis most times. White boy hip hop, never loses my love. I could stare at that picture all day long. Creepy, I know.

Ikea Hacker - I found this the other day when Dave mentioned a lamp and we've both been reviewing it and sending links all week. Mapping out plans for the house, wants and needs, working to keep Dave motivated. That site is the foodgawker of housewares for me this week. Hopefully we'll get a storage system for the bikes, new couch cover sooner than not, coat rack. Shoe storage, hopeful trash storage, less crack den operation full in effect.

I want a wall of fake animal head mounts - from here.

The Rest - slight southern accents. multiple download suggestions and knowing how to download music. fortune cookie factory tour. naps with the dogs. baked asparagus. avett brothers. repeating favorite things weekly because i love them that much. korean food. tissues with lotion. framed photos. arguing with Dave in public. modern medicine. doomtree wings. winter. watching Elvis play like a normal dog.

2010-11-30T12:22:00.001-08:00

I intended to write a lot of negative things about broken hearts and such but I realized it's not needed.

One point that is needed. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. 2 years ago he broke my heart and I knew better than to get into that mess again and I did. I haven't seen him for a month or two and he sent me a heartbreaking text the other day. I have to remember this, note this in my brain, so 2 years from now I don't make the same mistake again.

Unrelated...the situation I have with M is undetermined and still magnificent. Pushing (gently) preset boundaries and kissing late at night. Baby steps in general and no rush to see each other more than one or two evenings a week which works out well for my sometimes...insane mind. Slight southern accent, sometimes curly hair, ab muscles. Neck, sides, fingers.

Things are going back in a positive direction after the last few months of negative...not men but just in general. Housing stuff is settling, money is settled, men are settled too.

TILT!

2010-11-25T08:15:00.001-08:00

Uh here I wrote a lot about my family but realized I'm not comfortable sharing that and deleted it. Either way...I love my family.

Last Christmas. Me, my youngest niece and my little sister, trying to teach our niece gang signs.

The Rest - Dessa's interview in the new gay and the fact all of doomtree is on tour together currently. rediscovering vegetable pancakes at the grocery store. grapefruit. brownie dates and using movie ratings to judge how scandalous a date was (ahem pg-13 finally). excessive amounts of water. snes. the dedication of one of my coworkers to the job (such as when a student had a big surgery and has no family+support system in Philly he offered to let the student stay w/ him and his partner a few days until he was ok to be alone). Jeff Goldblum. waking up to my warm dog spooned against me. weekly movie plans with Shawn. learning to download music. black friday deal excitement. hip hop and cecil otter. all the felt albums. rachel+ruben. short work week and paid time off. budgeting well.

"There's no such thing as a bad dog or a bad breed, just bad owners."

You'd think for Thanksgiving this would be longer...but really all that matters is family.

2010-11-22T09:31:00.001-08:00

I am in the most ridiculous sexual situation ever. The dude I've been kissing lately...we haven't gone past that. We made a pact to learn everything by trial and error and w/ no rush to hook up. Making out on the couch where roommates can walk in at any moment helps keep clothes on. filthy photo text messaging from my side and him replying super nonchalantly w/ "maybe" has it all even sexier. ugh. in love.

we have a date tonight. Where we will make out, grope and then refuse each other of our natural goals. Fuck yes.

TILT!

2010-11-18T08:37:00.001-08:00

Sam - omg. My friend Sam stayed with me a few days last week on a mini vacation. We dated for 2 weeks, 5 years ago. In my mind we are still in love (obviously) but really we've only seen each other twice in those 5 years. I forced him to do a weeks worth of tourism in a day and a half and bike through awful city traffic the entire time. I cooked him baked mac+cheese that was adequate at best as a last meal and then he told me to shut up in bed because he's very romantic.

Our House - We are down to 4 people's things in our house instead of 5 as of this weekend. By the end of the month it should be just 3 people's worth of stuff....the 3 people that live there. We repainted, moved things and cleaned all this past weekend, working on more this coming weekend. I've gotten motivated to make our living room look less like a sad room and more like a happy place. Starting with buying curtains this week....realizing the neighbors across the street probably saw me getting scandalous on the couch with M the other night helped motivate that choice hah.

I fucking love citrus. - here

Christmas Themed ~~candy~~ EVERYTHING - mint m&m's, peppermint hershey kisses, silk egg nog (ok that isn't candy).....fuck I love christmas. I also love every christmas song on the radio and compilation released (Yeah, I have Jessica Simpson and Mariah Carey's christmas albums...so what???). I love Target's decorations this year and I have no issue that it's not even thanksgiving yet. Bring on more Christmas bull shit!! Badly wrapped presents, though we don't actually buy presents in my family, intense light displays, guilting our mom into setting up a tree. Ohhhh St. Nicholas Day!!!! We always left our shoes out as kids.

Little Things - "delco pop off". being told maybe, also being told no. the constant build up recently. craigslist for furniture (and dates). teasing. recipes that work out. not fucking on the first date. Natalie Portman. sesame sticks. dollar bill origami. carbs. late night texting. crafting. my dog's morning face. photos of men smoking. antlers. wooden dishes. living w/ someone that does all the (whoa sexist stereotype coming!!) "man work" so I don't have to do anything I don't want to strain myself to do. unedited photos. red heads (ahem).

cha cha cha

2010-11-17T08:59:00.001-08:00

I didn't think things would explode with C and I like they did last night. Hateful text messages and a phone call where I was mad and he just kept laughing to himself and brushing me off. I ended up hanging up, he sent a snide text message, I deleted his number.

It's not that I miss him, or want to be with him...I just didn't want things to be negative between us. there's no reason to stay friends though, we had almost nothing in common as far as a friendship would go. I don't want to go to hardcore shows with him. He doesn't want to cook dinner w/ friends w/ me. I just hate the idea of being lumped in with the rest of his exes.

At least we were always a good looking couple. You know, other than looking so similar we could pass as siblings.

Though lately all my lusty thoughts have revolved around another...one that makes times for me, shows up on time, and is into the buildup and teasing just as much as me. He has curls in his hair, a sternum that sticks out just a little and kisses with teeth. scandalous.

TILT!! (small)

2010-11-11T09:24:00.001-08:00

pending tattoo - from here

Little Things - Sam coming to visit. front stoop first kisses. handmade presents. risotto nonstop. Every recipe Robin links to. all the positive things pole dancing lessons have done to my life (how to woo a man....show him a quick video pole dancing). less clutter in the house. food gawker good lord that website. fresh basil. old friends in philly. my dog's sad face and forced cuddle parties. boy shorts. tourism. discussing if my dog is codependent or protective and if there is a different. striped shirts. new previews at the movies. cross stitching at night. tattoo plans. clean kitchens and home plans. grey. not having a smart phone. sitting. clean hair. polka dots. comparing tans. biking nonstop. all of last night, wtf wtf wtf. being domestic with Dave (all day, every day). planning tourism...fuck it I'm going to be a tourist now.

"the only thing interesting in love is making love."

TILT!

2010-11-04T09:55:00.001-07:00

"The path to enlightenment is not a path at all, Erin, it's actually a metaphor for the time it takes for you to allow yourself to be happy with who you already are, where you're already at, and what you already have - no matter what."

Being Straight - I am forever thankful to be straight. Not because of the internal struggle that goes with being gay, or that I'm homophobic...but because I'd never, ever want to try and be in a relationship with a woman. Ever. I have my own feminine crazies and insecurities to deal with, I don't think I could handle also having to work with another females crazies. I don't have the patience for women in that sense. I love my female friends so much....but I'm not committed to any of them. I don't want to talk about feelings, I don't want to be asked if you look fat every day, I don't want you to throw a tantrum because I did something you didn't like. In the end I want some strong willed man that will ignore me when I'm crazy and then do some filthy things in bed

Not Biking Another MN Winter - This cold front is totally a bummer. Getting up to 35 degrees outside sucks....but it's not biking through a MN winter, which I did twice. Negative temperatures, biking with piles of snow+ice+slush all over, biking in snow storms, fuck that all. By the time I leave lately it's been closer to 40 out and no wind. I also get the satisfaction of knowing I pushed my body just a little at 7:30 in the morning which can ease my slight body dysmorphic issue...which could also just be me acting out like a lady.

Really Good Leftovers - Since I work in middle of no where I bring my lunch and snacks with me everyday. We have a cafeteria but the choices are questionable at best times. And by not bringing cash I save money on impulse buys/don't buy candy bars everyday like the closet fatty I am. This helped me start to cook more and learn to cook better. It has also made me lazy where I eat the same thing 3-4 days in a row. This week I've cooked a few different dishes and have containers of delicious food I love just waiting. I love that feeling of really looking forward to eating instead of just seeing it as a necessary task. All I want to do is make risotto every night of the week. I have 3 times this week already. How did I go so long without it?/?

Little Things - men that like pussy hair and use the word "friction" when explaining why. positive pity parties with lady friends. baked mac+cheese with pretzel crumbs on top. completed tattoos. figuring out the correct adjective (crush vs. lust vs. smitten). "Critically-acclaimed Violent Action & Adventure" netflix suggestions. emails from students that start with "Hey Ms. Clark", so dang cute. singing at my desk. serial dating. not being insane and obsessing over my weight anymore. plaid shirts and lumberjacks. Ron Howard. making risotto. shivers and quivers. low doses of prednisone. learning airport codes. paid sick days. piggy banks. brownie recipes. even more risotto.

2010-10-30T21:15:00.001-07:00

I just had a moment of feeling really sorry for myself and lonely over dumping C. And then I realized even if we were together I'd still be sitting here alone since I wouldn't be able to see him for another week or 2, or 3.

So instead I'm watching Babies. And feeling super, super sick. I want to try and make mmyself puke. I think I just ate too much crap food this weekend and it's making me feel awful.

TILT!!!

2010-10-28T09:14:00.001-07:00

Really Good Dates - Obviously since I've been single 24 hours I've already gone on dates, ok that was before I was single...minor detail!! but I have had a few really great dates that were a good reminder what I've been missing out on. Meals cooked for me, long rides in cars holding hands, bike riding together for greasy food, cuddling while talking about hip hop, the buildup before seeing each other. I joined okcupid (again) and have sent more creepy emails that anyone needs to know that will result in even more dates. Fuck yes being single.

Oh George Clooney, just hanging with Obama. -here.

Jennifer's Body - 13 months ago Shawn and I saw our first movie together. We estimate we have seen roughly 45 movies since. My regal crown club card confirms that with the 505 points it shows I have ($1=1 point. goodness). It's the best hobby I've ever started and I've written about it multiple times before. Jennifer's Body wasn't really that memorable and I actually thought Zombieland was our first movie. We've seen a lot of movies, I really can't tell any of them apart anymore. Last night was Jackass 3D which made me cringe and squeal and loved. Even more than the movie I LOVED the soundtrack which I went straight home and bought off itunes.

Everyone else's TILTs - I started updating every Thursday with what I love a year ago after reading gala darling's every week and loving the idea. I love taking out time throughout my week noting positive things and then Thursday morning reflect on everything positive in the last week and typing it up...because it's so easy to just see the negative. Within the last 3ish months Dann started too and somehow started this movement where he forced every person he knows to also do it through peer pressure. I love clicking random IAM blogs on Thursdays now and finding more and more people that are making their own lists.

Just a baby with his wagon. -here.

Little Things - "We should hang out sometime" as a pickup line. the time I used a sex line Shawn gave me and had it fail. Mariah Carey finally confirming she's knocked up, no more weekly google search. baked mac and cheese. realizing that casseroles exist. grey skinny leg jeans. pre-dinners while dinner cooks. Julie Andrews. Lady date with Jessica. Getting invited to a man date...even though I won't eat anything there. my dogs "annoyed" face. singing at my desk. Wikipedia. Men with greying hair. being a nervous passenger. silk egg nog. one dish recipes. moccassins. J's voice when he sings. overeating citrus. lady friends. gold.

And lastly THIS STORY which anyone that write a TILT should read. Please.

TILT!!

2010-10-21T08:31:00.001-07:00

Mike Miller - I've known Mike since early '07, maybe even '06 and I'm completely in love with him...just like every other guy I know. But I swear I mean it this time. I met him when I first became single in Minneapolis and since then we've been sporadic booty calls. He's beautiful and shaped like a superhero, all muscles. I always stare at him once he's naked and tell him how amazing he looks while me smiles super shyly. and then his eyes crinkle at the corners!! good lord this man. All girls that think I'm after your boyfriends....I'm not. Unless they are 6'3, muscled and no tattoos.

Holidays - We just got a work email that the 24th to the 31st will all be holidays off....ummm yes!!! omg. This works out greatly w/ my secret holiday plans I'm trying to form. I love work w/ paid time off. I looked it up the other day and between personal+sick+vacation I have just under 200 hours I can take off. I'm taking off the 11th next month to see Sam (excitement levels up x 100). Two more days off for thanksgiving, which I still need to make plans for. And now a million paid days off from Christmas and New Years!!! Best. Week. Ever.

I found a whole stream of airplane meals....dreams for come true. The tiny, prepackaged cheeses are my favorite part...and when they have salt+pepper shakers, not just paper packets.

Cooking - I've totally given up on cooking lately, at least new things. No interest, no patience. but the other day I tried out making risotto after seeing a photo that looked delicious. I'd never tasted it before so I figured I couldn't go wrong w/ no example to go by. Everyone said it was hard but it was mostly just tedious and boring. It came out more than acceptable, though my rice was a little undercooked. It is great to eat new leftovers at work instead of my usual. I need to start mixing it up and making things again.

Neighbors - Having a dog really forces you (well me) out into the neighborhood w/ daily walks. having a weird looking, super friendly and excited dog gets you talking to every person in the neighborhood, minus the ones afraid of pit looking dogs. the neighbors around the corner love Elvis and are two of the nicest ladies ever. I sat for a half hour last night, and walked elvis past the house to loop around to see if the ladies were out, talking about ice cream and snakes. Elvis knows what houses have people that love him and gets so excited as we come up to the house just hoping someone is outside waiting to pet him.

honeycomb inspired. - here

Pretend NYC Sugar Daddy - This is more than a little ridiculous...but I know a guy in NYC from old, old bme days that has an impressive amount of money. That really has nothing to do w/ our friendship and doesn't really come up...except I like to pretend he's my sugar daddy sometimes in an almost fetish way. I ask him to pay my credit card bill so he'll say yes and give me a speech about better managing my money. I send him links to things I want him to buy and he'll reply w/ what I need to do to have that rewarded to me. He never actually pays me bills, buys me things, supports me, but he totally plays the game with me. If it came down to it I know he would pay anything I needed but I really just like the fetish side of it.

The Rest -How sweet the city looks from 30 floors above in a really nice hotel room. Late night bike rides on empty roads. Calling the boyfriend(?) to see if it's ok for me to cheat only to have him not answer because he's cheating on me hha. eating grapefruit. wearing my hair down. the hour after the movie ends with Shawn. Bruce Willis in Red...actually Bruce Willis in anything. pennies. emails that quote the Matrix. the first 3 Harry Potter books. woot offs. so much gold. spoonfuls of ~~sugar~~ peanut butter. care packages from my mom. en that tell me I look skinny (mmmm ego stroke). citrus. Pat. black ballet flats.

AND!! I have no idea how to or if I can imbed this but THIS VIDEO is so great.

risotto

2010-10-20T07:39:00.001-07:00

After looking at someones flickr the other day I discovered risotto, which I've heard of but have never eaten before. I decided it can't be that hard to make and asked a few others who all said it was awful to make. But fuck it, the internet implies it is easy. I went with this recipe and read a few pages of comments to get a general idea. It seemed like the most simple recipe I could find that was by a trusted chef. And he has a cute face.

I followed the directions...mostly. mine was a little undercooked and I think I could have used another ladle of vegetable stock to make it a little creamier but in the end it was totally edible and I'd even go as far as to say it was good. I told J about it and he offered to make me some so I can watch how he cooks it and see how it should be done properly...I should have looked it up on youtube.

The only thing I changed was adding some sliced zucchini at the very end. Total I think it took about an hour to prepare and cook. It was tedious and boring. My arm got tired from the stirring....lord I need to start working out more. Next time I'm going to add asparagus instead I think...and maybe some chives. The parmesan really takes over the flavor of the dish. I wish I liked mushrooms. I also need to google a vegan version. With all the extra I may try out some risotto cakes. That recipe made enough for 2 of us to eat + 4 small containers full of leftovers.

TILT!

2010-10-14T08:05:00.001-07:00

Edison Pena, the elvis loving miner that was the 12th one out -from here.

Chile Miners - I am/was obsessed with the rescue mission for the Chile miners and their entire story. I'm so excited for whatever book/movie is released now that they are free. I think it's so amazing how they survived the first 17 days with no contact and no idea if they would be found, and then 69 days total in a mine just waiting. I'm totally into how it brought the entire world together into getting them out and just general support. It's so amazing that they are all out alive. The shift boss, is amazing and everything he did for the other 32 was life saving. I could go on about this forever.

Being Single - After 7 months of sorta dating and then 2ish months of openly dating the dating game is done. It was bound to happen eventually and it's better off this way. I was never as fully invested as he was. I'm happy he was my first boyfriend after not dating for 5 years but I'm happier knowing I'm single again. i learned a lot, such as how hard an open relationship can be and how frustrating distance can be in a new relationship. but that is all negative and not meant for Thursdays. I'm happy to be back to my selfish, single lifestyle. I'm going to join okcupid and make a dozen dates over the next 3 weeks hopefully.

fuck I love those candies - from here.

Dave - It's well known I have the most ridiculous roommate situation in the entire world with Dave. He is often in the bathroom when I shower so we can catch up or he'll get in bed with elvis and I at night to talk before bed, we're currently in talks of vacationing together in the midwest next year so he can meet my family. We run all our errands together and act like we've been married for years while shopping together. Actually, it's a little weird hahaa. Who needs a boyfriend when I have a roommate like Dave.

Getting over the most awful cold ever - Which I'm convinced I was dying of and at one point called my mom demanding a care package of candy because I was dying of this cold. Because other than being left handed like my dad I also inherited an overreaction to being sick where I get sick and deem it the end of the world and plan my will haha. (just give my baby siblings everything) I love tissues w/ lotion, cold medicine and paid days off because of this wretched cold. And after a week I'm almost done with the sneezing, coughing and runny nose.

I'm in love with him. Among others.

The Rest - grapefruit. positive moments (short term) with past flames. reading on the subway. prince harry. filth. technology and how it allows live feeds of what is going on (chile miner rescue hah). blonde on blonde. actually any record that uses a harmonica. elvis' sad face. leggings. the bme group on flickr. making out like I'm in high school again. shadow puppets. cooler weather. pit mixes. This Bruce Willis interview. faux love. pedicures that end w/ gold nailpolish.

TILT!

2010-10-07T09:30:00.001-07:00

from here.

Paid Sick Time - Paid days off are one of those things I think I take advantage of, or often forget not everyone has. I have 200+ hours saved up of various paid time off with my job currently. I've had to take 2 days off this week (which I slept through most of both) because of a ridiculous cold that makes me feel like I'm dying. I'm thankful that I can take that time off and I'm still getting a full paycheck regardless.

Remembering NYC is 2 hours away - Two bffs from Minneapolis were in NYC this weekend so Jill and I went to hang for the day. $25 and a 2 hour bus ride and you're in New York. I forgot just how easy it is to get there. We ate piles of food, took piles of photos and walked miles and miles. It was a great trip overall. Actually it was a great weekend in general, the previous day was first friday and reminded me why I love Philly so much.

The Rest - making my dog wear a sweater. alka seltzer night time cold medicine. everything Target sells. Roy Halladay (how cute is he!!!). shark teeth. whomever writes philly.com's articles. finished tattoos. josh?. gold everything. plotting out new crushes. hound mixes and general dog shopping. Media focus on bullies, even if it is only temporary it's good. pretzels and peanut butter. thick rimmed glasses. cooler weather. thick tights. payday. feeling my own leg muscles. sleeping extended amounts of time to heal. A pile of Tom Robbins books that came in the mail. people that genuinely love their life. quoting Clueless in my head all the time. honeycomb patterns. when my mom texts me, every time.

TILT!

2010-09-30T08:43:00.001-07:00

Finished Tattoos - I actually hate getting tattooed, all of it. I used to think I liked the process but the last few years I've realized how much I hate it. I got the last big area of my upper arm done last night and I'm so happy to be done. I know eventually I'll want to have the other small area filled in with stupid crap but for now I'm happy with it. I go Sunday to get a little BFF tattoo on my thigh which won't be half as bad. Armpit to ditch, such a bummed, but he did such a great job I can almost forget how awful it felt. Next up is one last session on my intestines (+ an owl tattoo w/ Dave, my other foot, and fixing the $ on my hip) and after that I have no planned tattoos anymore.

Clinique Live Chat - This is in the rest but now becoming such a big thing hah. I don't wash my face....and when I do if I get water on my face I consider that washed. I just talked online to a Clinique rep about what I need to do for my face and it was hilarious. She took it very seriously.

"Suzie: Sounds like you have great skin and we just need to keep it looking clean and healthy looking
Suzie: It will sweep away the top layer of dead surface skin cells so your skin will look and feel clearer and healthier"

She suggested one of their 3-step sets that is about $50 and I was all about it until she mentioned I have to wash my face 2x a day. Do people really do that?? I'm so excited to start washing my face!!!

another stencil by fake.

Lady Nights - Lady nights have been severely lacking the last few weeks but this Friday we're trying to bring it back. It's First Friday after all, what better time to start again. I miss Jessica nonstop while she sits and studies (angrily it would seem) nonstop. Friday also means the graffiti opening in South Philly, Josh is in the city, and all the stuff being sold in Old City on the street. fuck yes philly.

The Rest - Pat (who I love more than jelly beans, mashed potatoes and my boyfriend combined because he's so prettttty). good and plenty candies. daily orange. TUT notes in my inbox every morning. Clinique (I'm going to start washing my face once I buy some I've decided). sending overly detailed emails. indian in the cupboard. doodlejump. anything gold. My bus driver Mr. Howard. Mike Rowe talking. This article about how the gay youth is treated. Michael J. Fox, now and forever. The Amelie soundtrack. microflare plugs. Keeping patience. friends in NYC for the weekend, omg.

Fuck. I love that video.

TILT

2010-09-24T06:12:00.000-07:00

Mentalgassi’s street art installations in Berlin. from herehere

Burning Man- I haven't been to burning man or have any desire to go but I love the photos from it for the stupid shit it showed me. What it taught me this year....people like to wear pink, burning man looks ridiculous, and ACRO YOGA!!!!!!I fucking hate yoga, it's so obnoxiously boring...but acro yoga I could get into. And while looking online for studios in Philly I also found a coed studio for pole dancing, be still my heart. Emailed both Dave and Chris....we'll see who cracks first.

Past Flames- this isn't something I should love but in the last week or so I've emailed the last boyfriend I had (5 years ago!!) and had 2 flames from in the last 2 years contact me. I also saw a really unflattering photo of a guy I thought I was in love w/ for a little bit that made me sigh "yes....not with him" very happily. I also like that C is (mostly) ok with the whole process, because I've told him everything. I saw one flame, made plans with the other, and feel good about these choices and knowing I don't want more with them but want the opportunity to not have feelings for them still. Reconnecting helps.

I really, really love the log on the back. from here

My momma- I know a lot of people have great mom's but my mom is the fucking best. the tops. I've been emailing her links all day of fabrics for a duvet cover she doesn't even know she's making me even though she's already making me a quilt. she's also sending me a care package full of candy since she knows me hha. I'm always homesick for my mom even though I love Philly and I always tell her no when she suggests coming to visit ha. She wants me to bring Dave home for Christmas, good lord being fake married is hard.

Cheese- I missed cheese the entire 7 months I didn't eat it and I'm now enjoying it again. Not a lot of it. I'm trying not to buy it often since I just eat it nonstop. I bought some habanero cheese at whole foods the other day that is taking over my life and now want to impulse buy some cheese from Wisconsin to have shipped to me. because whole foods "midwest habanero cheese" doesn't actually live up to it's name. I need to start eating cheese on things other than triscuits and morning star chicken nuggets. omg peppered string cheese. be still my heart.

The Rest- Acro yoga and coed pole class. peanut butter granola bars. mocking sustainable living. "almight alrighty". watching elvis flirt with an italian family trying to get attention from everyone at the same time. pedicures and pale polish on my fingernails. men with muscles and deep voices. Ben Affleck (I have no shame in that one. I love him). This shower curtain!!!!. imagining Henry Rollins in every action movie I see even though he's not actually in it. woodgrain fabric (omg). finding coupon codes online. cryptic emails and equally cryptic replies. phone calls with the other. allergy eye drops.

"stars have been known to align before, they're sure to do so again..."

TILT

2010-09-16T09:06:00.001-07:00

everything by zoetica is usually great - from here.

Movie Night Returning - Shawn and I had a 2 week break from movie night w/ all sorta of personal stuff going on for us both. Good lord, how did we make it 2 weeks? so much happened over that time to catch up on. I usually walk to the theatre and Shawn drives but this week we planned to go together to start catching up early. I walked to his house to find him not there so I called to see if he forgot we were going together.

Me: Hey, where are you?
Shawn: Outside your house, where are you?
Me: Damn...I'm outside your house.

We saw Going the Distance which was stereotypical but cute....um can we talk about how hot Justin Long is? He has a mini-naked scene in that movie. swoon.

Facebook Events - I never knew what I was missing out before I took advantage of this. Now I get notifications of everything going on. Art openings, stupid dance parties, DJ nights, all that other stupid city crap people need to keep up on. Even though I don't go to any of it I still like knowing I have the option to and I know what is going on at least a few nights a week. Lets do something!

food tattoos group.

Balance - I'm absolutely not one to have any sort of balance in my life. I think I'm only happy when I have something to stress me out (current stress - my credit card has a balance of $229.66 on it and I'm letting let drive me to a complete melt down. I take irrational to new levels). I've been trying lately to have more of a balance with my life in general and spending time comparing myself to people that really have it bad. I need to keep thankful for the things I do have. Positive- I have a job that can easily support me. I have money in my savings account. I have the choice to get my masters for free and no debt from my bachelors. I live in a city that makes not having a license easily doable. I am not dependent on anyone.

The Rest - an article on being the nondrinker. daydreaming about eating oreos. impulse buying patrick swayze's book. regular poops. the reliability of birth control. pieta brown. misbehaving within reason. green olives. looking at plane tickets and easing homesickness. gilmore girls. the gym. apples. cute cats and chihuahuas, together or apart. dinosaur everything. ikea curtains. paper umbrellas. moccasin tan lines. small dogs with big ears. pending comics of Elvis. ex boyfriends commenting letting me know how great my mom is. retail therapy (yes/no?).

TILT!

2010-09-09T08:57:00.001-07:00

"I think you two just made official something that everybody else around knew."

My dog - Yes. I still love my dog. We have now met 3 dogs as potential #2's for the house and decided against all 3. Last nights made me realize that as much as I don't like things about my dog (coughleashaggressioncough) he still is a good dog. While a second dog will be awesome once it happens, I'm still overly in love with my #1 dog. I also love that it is a household+neighborhood spoiling and love of the dog. Such as the 2 year old that tried to feed him her tootsie pop and then pulled on his ears while he sat there waiting for me to stop talking hah.

IAM - While this site is openly falling apart and falling out of relevance with social networking I'm still very greatful for everything it has offered me. I met so many people through here when I first moved to Philly and have a solid group of friends from it in one way or another. I was thinking last night about the weird routines that have come from it, mindless flirting, weekly movie nights, random dinners, half naked photos exchanged, and bike ride planning with Claire currently (dear shawn, claire needs her bike).

motivation,of sorts

Other People's TILTs - I love, love, love reading other people's TILTs and the fact Dann got a crew of people motivated last week to do their own. More people need positive blog entries, and to be positive in general. chances are your life isn't that bad and people have it way, way worse than you when you put it in perspective. It's really exciting to read what other people love about their lives. More people write TILT's!! I want to read them all.

Cheese - being bikeless and exercising NONE I brought cheese back in my diet these last 2 weeks. I had a great cheese platter at a german place and some great pepperjack from trader joes this week. the constipation and questionable looking poops that resulted were totally worth it. That pizza was so great. I stopped eating cheese for lent, also when I began what started as "no sex" and instead launched into a 7 month long monogamy stretch, and just recently started eating it again. Now that I'm working out again I'll be cutting it back out mostly but god it was good those 2 weeks.

day dreaming about living on a boat ala garden state - from here

The Rest - planning gym schedules w/ Tina to keep us motivated. doodle jump. ramen+srirach EVERYDAY. impulse buying prints from flickr via snapfish. And the annoyingly cute book I'm going to put together via shutterfly. the weather, omg the weather, I don't miss you neverending heatwave 2010. odwalla strawberry lemonade. nature valley's peanut butter granola bars. french fries from ikea. (am I hungry or something??) sweater weather. tattoos. our new, super nice neighbors on the first floor. telling patty v how much I love him. my cheap tripod for my camera. seasonal fruits. this entire photo shoot. hanging out, watching LFO videos, at work. internet creeping. overusing exclamation points.angry birds. qwerty. bike rides instead of the subway. bruce willis, forever and ever and ever. woodgrain vs cork wars in my mind.

personal

2010-09-03T08:56:00.001-07:00

Things between CW and I have hit a month+ long rough patch of text fighting and ignoring each other. He hasn't texted me for a full day, we're either on an unspoken break or done.

Making it more difficult is while I was frustrated the other night I told J about being frustrated with life (no details why) and he offered to call if I wanted to talk about it while I walked Elvis home. This is what I need CW to offer....to want to call and talk things out. But he hates the phone and asking to talk on it is a huge compromise full of guilt on my side. I declined J's offer. He knows about CW, but he doesn't know great details and doesn't need to learn them when I'm hateful.

So....to remind myself mostly...I'm going to think of the positive things about CW. the things that made me want to have his child.

-I like that he is straight edge and doesn't eat meat. This isn't accessory...but recently I realized it is nice to have in common. I like him not getting stoned or drunk and acting different because of it.

- how he sounds, how he's shaped and how he's not cocky about either.

- his life goals w/ marriage+children are the same as mine, in mostly the same time frame. Which is something I still wonder if it was only convenience for him or genuine

- That he has his own life and there isn't a need to see me nonstop, and if he lived closer it would stay like that. (though I guess that one is now also an issue with us)

- He is incredibly patient with me. Incredibly.

- He learned to understand the noises I make instead of words in middle of the night and is always gentle when telling me to "use your words" any (and every) time I become a whiny mess.

And there's more but I want to stop this here.

He told me I only focus on the negative and I'm uncomfortable w/ the positive...was that supposed to be an insult? were you telling me something I didn't already know? Did I ever imply I'm emotionally sound and someone that can easily handle any emotions. I was honest from the start, maybe he thought I was exaggerating and I could handle emotions?

I spent 7 months trying monogamy, him convincing me to tell him I Iove him and only seeing him once a month. All of which was a new territory for me. and obviously over those 7 months I didn't get any better at it. It's probably better it ends now. I told him I was ok being alone and he told me that's good because alone I'd be.

TILT!

2010-09-02T09:49:00.001-07:00

oh hai pretty lady.

Motivational Crap - An obese woman who lost weight and talks about how the world views her differently now that she is skinny. I really, really love articles like this. I've focused on not referring to myself as fat lately because I realized it's almost disrespectful to women who do have a weight problem and are trying to lose weight. I AM NOT FAT. I could lose weight and not die, I could work out more and tone up, but really, I am not fat. I'm focusing heavily on not being negative lately. I go to a gym geared towards women trying to lose weight and when I come in half their size whining about being fat...I'm just being an asshole.

"An interesting fact from a friend that works at Disneyland. If you fall in the water surrounding Tom Sawyer's island, Disney will INSIST that you have a tetanus shot. If you refuse, they will make you sign a waiver. If you refuse that, they will politely invite you to go somewhere else." .....so gross...though another site says that isn't true. Now I want to google Disney rumors all day.

I know he's on iam somewhere but I just follow his flickr here....um what is cuter than this photo!??

Really Great Students - I know I've blogged about the students I work with before but sometimes they really are great. I work at a medical college w/ graduate students going for their doctorate. This can make them VERY high strung, have a "better than you" attitude and a stressed out emotional wreck. But even more are just really nice people that are always really appreciative towards me. I think it helps I may be one of the calmest and quietest people that work here. It's really great to get "thank you" emails once a twice a week though where they really seem to mean it. And the super great phone call I just had w/ a student where I was able to help him w/ shit I know nothing about.

"I think that was the fastest response ever! Thank you so much for all that you do. "

The Rest - the tattoo's she does omg amazing. mashed potatoes with franks hot sauce. 30% off coupons from the Gap and new dresses. dog cuddle party in bed (photo evidence). being frustrated and nice boys that offer to call and talk about it, or at least let me vent. five years partner free. LZ coming to Philly next friday (helllllo date night). oh it's first friday tomorrow!!. pedicures. september and cooler weather eventually. watching die hard in the morning. Butter's birthday brunch. carmel cream candies. new bike anticipation. ohh hai. rose scented perfume. not living in Olde City. blogs by farm women. zyrtec allergy eyedrops (I love you). paris hilton is 29, shit girl almost 30. heating my food only lukewarm. flutag this weekend. my really cute dog. AND patty v, nonstop, every week, always my favorite.

TILT

2010-08-26T08:16:00.001-07:00

I really love her entire office setup but the disney print is my favorite. from: here

New Bike - getting my bike stolen was an awful and dramatic moment for me and I was bummed an entire day after....before ordering a new bike!! I ordered this bike but grey with a green form and in my size. My only complaint about my old bike was it was a size too big for me. Other than that it was the love of my life and having a newer version coming to me in 5-7 days is really, really exciting. And my mom, being super great, ordered me a new lock saving me $65. Now to buy a second lock and a cable and I'll be set. So excited to ride a bike again!

Not living outside my means - One of the ok things about getting my bike stolen, in a way, is I can afford to buy a new one. I'm ok to put the $300+ on my credit card. It is the only debt I have and I can pay it back right now if I wanted to. I have few bills and make ok money to support myself with no worries. Part of that probably has to do with no smoking+drinking+drugs and not really a foodie. The only think I buy is tattoos really. Reading Dann's post really has me motivated to open a second savings account. I can't imagine living paycheck-to-paycheck and not being stressed nonstop. I am constantly grateful for how my living+money situation are.

back in the day when pua even tinier and not the defiant teenage cat she has been lately. (which involves a lot of "get up the stairs" as she tries to exit through the front door").

Galadarling - There are times I find her blog stupid and her as a person a little over the top and ridiculous but some articles she writes are just so good. Really, really good. She just wrote THIS ONE on negative body image in girls and I think every woman should be required to read it because it is so good. While I'm in no way innocent of not talking about my weight problems and struggle I do make a point to try and limit it. And I try to never surround myself with girls that have a negative self image because they we can feed off each other. All the girls I'm close to are all secure, beautiful women that feel good about themselves. They may have things they want to change but none of us spend every moment of our lives talking about it. We'll bs about our bodies while getting ready to go out but never in a super negative way. I'm so tired of girls thought process about bodies, I get that circumstances can mess with you and make you think that way but you are choosing to continue to let those unhealthy thoughts take over your mind.

"if you don’t let people know that their behaviour won’t be tolerated, nothing will change."

The Power of Positive Dog Training - I bought this book for elvis the other week and love it. It motivated me to start clicker training with him, slowly for now, and focusing more on positive encouragement. It made me realize a lot of things with negative reactions towards a dog misbehaving and how they help nothing. It also reads well that a dog is a dog, just that. He is not a baby, your child, your life companion. He is a dog and he needs to be treated and trained like one. Not to act like my dog isn't one of the top ten spoiled dogs in the city haha.

from here

The Rest - finally getting the extended butterfly. platters of food. wood grain. dog sitting a cute little dauschund. ben and jerry's entire line of ice cream. accepting that ice cream is no longer an impulse buy and really a premeditated choice. 6:30 am sext messages. Dave calling to check-in with me while on vacation. Laruen's flexing text messages. Taj moving in. Janis Joplin on repeat. the buffalo wheatpaste I saw last night. reading other people's TILTs. I'm a nerd for college crap and heartwarming stories, this has both. human compassion. tom robbins (note: look at home for which books you still have left/not loaned out). yelling just to hear myself yell.

Also....more people need to do things I love thursday!!! at least little ones. more positive blogs!

Links.

2010-08-20T08:32:00.001-07:00

permission slip from the universe I try not to be super obnoxious with inspiration links and crap on here but I fucking love this one.

this makes me want to do my own later which is now making me think of what I want vs need in my life. romantically, career, socially.

I just ordered this book and I'm super excited to actually consider doing things in our home downstairs. I'm sure I won't bother but the book will still be great.

I've also been reading this book which is really, really great if you have a dog. I love my dog but sometimes he really tries my patience, this book really focuses on why you need to be patient with animals and why positive training is much more effective than yelling.

kanye west twitter posts as ny comics. old but still great.

oh courtney love

the CUTEST COTTAGE EVER! in the world.

and lastly an amazing house w/ a swimming pool/moat.

That turned into way more links than intended.

ohhh one more since he's a philly based artist - here. If you ignore everything I posted at least look at his stuff.

TILT!

2010-08-19T09:17:00.001-07:00

a maybe banksy - from

133.4- for the past few weeks the scale has told me that number which is sweet. I have ZERO interest being below 130. When I started at the gym I was 138 and I wanted to be 135. That's it. I want to tone my body, not get super skinny. I already look off balanced I don't want to lose more weight and make it worse. I just want to take the weight I have and build it into muscles. I've been going to the gym less and pole more lately but I'm realizing I really need to work on my upper body strength to get crazy with pole moves with I'm all about lately. The goal is 3-4 times a week at either pole class or the gym, maybe start working out at home again. I don't like looking disproportionate, I don't find it sexy, right now I'm (mostly) happy with my (half naked photo) body.

Spur of the moment trips- after some quick rearranging I found myself making plans to spend my sat-sun in Ocean City this weekend at a hotel on the beach. Hello waking up to the ocean. Girls weekend with a great friend. I'm going to wear my bikini nonstop, eat pizza and play every game possible that includes a crane trying to pick up something. And I'll probably take 1,000 photos (30 of which will actually be clear and good) until Nikki forces me to stop.

6th+washington.

Stupid Internet Deal Sites- I follow groupon, buywithme and living social. this week I've bought a $25 for $50 coupon from the gap and an aerials class where I'll probably die ha. Oh today is a woot off too! Good lord internet, you're overwhelming me with great deals. Dave has also discovered cheap things off amazon which reminded me that there is CHEAP THINGS ON AMAZON OMG!!!! and I've bought stupid shit. Whateva, I work 40 hours a week and have few bills. Oh, just found another....halfoffdepot.

Expendables- While a movie is rarely important to get it's own category this one wins. OMG.

1. Bruce Willis cameo....almost as good as Bill Murrays Zombieland cameo.

2. An action movie full of people w/ speech issues.

3. Only a light romantic thing and no kissing.

4. Mickey Rourke's midmovie speech.

5. The amazing/ridiculous soundtrack.

The Rest- bubbles. puppy browsing (and full grown dog browsing!!). racial jokes while being part of an interracial couple. pink frills. biking, biking, biking. puppy pushups and books on clicker training. traffic cop telling me how nice I look. Taj. blaming men for my awful flirting skills. kanye west. wikipedia. gold teeth. left handed day tattoos. every text message lauren sends me. photos w/ round corners. olive bars. website jumping, link to link to link. puppy pushups and annoying my dog by making him do them. milk chocolate. the shore anticipation. black dresses. telling people Dave is my husband. researching baked egg rolls recipes. my dog. really strong flavors. movie night back on schedule. online banking and a zero balance on my credit card.

Personal.

2010-08-16T07:36:00.001-07:00

Watching as Chris and I crumble is both sad and expected. Two people that can't share/show emotions at all can't really last. Add in my insecurities and recent interest in someone that is more traditional with dating and it just makes it worse.

Seeing John has shown me how a relationship should be compared to what Chris and I have. Going on dates, meeting up with friends, seeing each other for an hour before work. Not having a first kiss until a few dates in. He spent the night last night, all clothes stayed on, we kissed in bed. He held my hip, almost touching my ass to grope but not quite. I asked why finally and he said he wasn't comfortable touching a girl in new places without her permission. He didn't want to push past boundaries I may have.

chris and I fucked the first night we met and that's all we've done since. the first month we saw each other every weekend. Now it's been 6 months and if we see each other for a night once a month it feels like an accomplishment. Between that is only text messages. That is the only form of communication between us + a few photos sent via email now and then. Together it is only us in bed. We don't go out together, we don't do things together, we fuck. And this was all fine.....when I look at the dysfunctional relationships there are around me what Chris and i have seems perfect. Chris worried by seeing John I'd lose interest in him...and it's not that. I don't want John to be my boyfriend....but by going on dates with him I've been able to see what a real dating relationship should be like. The courting, the wooing, the nervous moments. John did affect my feelings for Chris but not the way he feared.

What Chris and I have isn't healthy and isn't growing. 3 months ago we were going to that "the talk" and he never brought it up. I don't think I ever moved on from that moment and realizing I wasn't good enough for him to want to have that talk. In my mind it became just sex.

I asked Chris this morning what he doesn't like about me and got this reply...
"Honestly? That you are holding against me what you said you don't want cuz you really did want it. That I've tried to do little romantic things but you refuted them so I stopped and went with what I know you were ok with. That you think everything I do is a ploy or plot when all I want to do is make you happy and tell you things. If you don't tell me something isn't ok then I don't know that its not. We talked briefly about a "safety" word. It wasn't just so things didn't go too far but also for when I do something that's not ok but continue to do it because I don't know the difference between actual dislike versus protest that means yes."

Reading over it he's right about all of it and it's all probably not going to change.

TILT!

2010-08-12T12:01:00.001-07:00

omg I love him

Patty V - I have probably typed about my dirty love of Pat 1,000 times but I still mean it (hi Pat!!!). It doesn't help seeing him the other day and remembering he really is the cutest boy in the whole entire world, way too cute for me. I encourage all ladies to email him professing your love + begging to be his girlfriend. And then call me when you fall in love so I can be both jealous and begging for dirty details.

Movie Nights/becoming a regular - Besides becoming a shameful regular at the raven I realized last night I'm actually a regular at the movie theatre with Shawn now. I liked to think my movie going habit as not too bad...once a week in comparison to how Shawn used to go a few times a week. I thought of myself as merely a visitor. Until Shawn went alone yesterday and one of the workers asked where I was. they recognize me. I'm no longer a visitor...I'm now a regular at the Regal Entertainment Group - South Philadelphia. The shame.

I love his stream

Summer - this summer has been awful....so here are my positive thoughts on summer.
1. Wearing hoochie clothes in public is 100% acceptable.
2. how good it feels to hang in an open fire hydrant for a few minutes and the fact they are so easy to find in the city.
3. the fact the ice cream truck is going down the street hourly what seems like every hour of the day.
4. How good it feels to get in a cool shower and get all the sweat and grime off + putting fresh clothes on after. Even better when you go to your already cooled down room after and go to bed.
5. No reason not to eat water ice EVERY DAY.
6. summer jams, pool parties, boat parties, excuses to never leave the beach.
7. late night bike rides.

Little bits - military reunion videos - watched one this morning and still choked up about it. the amount of nights that start or end with "so....should we prop the camera on something w/ the timer going and take photos?" possibly while doing handstands. "I love being racist with you". moccasins with everything. Pua's daily attack on Elvis. completed tattoos. day dreams of aged cheddar. france. ruffled dresses and dancing on a boat weekend plans. coconut curry. french fries at ikea. being a closet fatty. relishing in my own independence while looking at codependent girls as an example. 2 years in Philly. louis logic. using kanye west+r kelly to justify behavior. frozen yogurt nonstop. really good apples.

mmmm cheese - from here

TILT!

2010-08-05T14:00:00.001-07:00

The Week - the following email from a doctor when I questioned needing a statement for drug texts "We make ‘em pee. Won’t send ‘em unless they’re free!!". camera tripod. bruce willis in summer box office movies. having health insurance and using it as needed. looking up new boys on facebook (cutest fave eva). strawberries w/ raw sugar. collar bones. watching the cat beat up my dog nightly. my bike being tuned up+missing parts replaced and ready to be picked up!!!!!!!! getting back into the exercise routine. pole dancing and sexy moves at the raven. dollar bill origami.

(15 more minutes!!)
and more.... mirror photos. ikea trips. frozen yogurt dates. good pens. watching incredibly smart doctors try to send a fax....which involves watching it blink the last 10 minutes. napping. nacho cheese. taj walking me to the subway. flats. aged sharp cheddar. biggie smalls. the day it wasn't so hot. movies in parks. fucking philadelphia. mashed potatoes and morning star ribs mmm. when my dog wakes up and looks at me like this. my brother texting me from Ohio annoyed at the entire state. impulse tattoos. movie nights.

going home!

TILT!

2010-07-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

"Float more, steer less."

Ipod touch - I impulse bought a touch this week (just an 8gb one off woot) and have so far put maybe a dozen photos on it and a few 100 songs. I haven't downloaded any apps and just barely understand how to turn it on....but looking online I can see pooping will become much more exciting once I download ridiculous games to play while doing it. My current ipod was gifted to me by my brother forever ago when he got a touch and is slowly dying. I watched online for a few months and when this deal came up I went for it. Best purchase this week.

The room I rented when I first moved to Philly....

My room now at the place I've been living the past 2 years about....

Progress - "your first room seemed a little crackwhore-sih" hah. I found an old photo of the room I stayed in when I moved to Philly and a mostly recent photo of my room now. I was being homesick earlier but these photos are a good reminder of how far I've come. The first photo is the room I stayed at the first 3 months I was in philly, which I will forever be grateful for even if it looked like a crack den. Eventually I made it to a home of my own (with others) and made my room into less crackden and more girly. It's funny to see what 2 years can do to a girl. I want to take the polka dots down and paint it a pale grey next I think.

Shooting Guns - I shot guns the other day with a group of boys. OK, I only shot 2 guns a few times each but it was still amazing and totally terrifying. So obviously I want to start doing this more, at least until I stop shrieking+jumping+closing my eyes when it goes off. Gun club memberships and more shooting is in my future....buying a gun of my own probably isn't. My love of shooting doesn't go that far. Though wood grain+pearl handles...be still my heart.

monster I know exhibit is at the last drop next week.

The Rest - getting back into pole dancing. energy bills half of what friends are paying. proportioning food. old puppy photos. chelsea clinton wedding gossip. sausage curls and long eyelashes. upcoming toy story 3 date. arm+chest muscles. needy text messages. really nice incoming students. balsamic vinegar. awful. carbs. being able to be 100% open and honest with a lover. mario kart. craigslist searching for furniture. thiry dollar date night. piles of app suggestions. some many pairs of new moccassins. food advice. positive people. emergency eyes appts that end in a $15 dollar bill and a nice old man doctor. roses. the traffic cop on broad and vine (words can't explain that love). biking. astronautalis coming back to philly!!!!!!!!!!!!!! brother. cuddle fest. the potential for seeing C more than once this month (luxurious). amelie soundtrack. cabins. pretzel anything.

positive

TILT!!!

2010-07-22T09:40:00.001-07:00

coney island - from here

Shapely Girl - I've been working out here for a few months now and still love it....all because of the classes they offer. I have 0 motivation for working out and even when I do I never push myself hard enough. because it's really, really easy to lose motivation and just give up. Here I can go for an hour class with a group of other ladies and leave exhausted. Every moment I want to die, my abs still hurt 2 days later, but that means it is working!! I've also been taking a pole classs once a week or so to brush up on my skills. Because my weekends have now turned into "oh hey lets dance at the raven....oh look now I'm pole dancing" the past few weeks and it's amazing.

My Utility Belt - this requires it's own point because everyone teases me about it lately. Yes, I know it looks like something a superhero would wear and not a hipster girl over her dress. But it carries everything I need when I go out!! ulock, keys, phone, camera, cash+id. It also has room to carry friends things as needed so no one has to carry a purse. Yes, it is just an overpriced fanny pack for asshole bike kids but their fucking marketing worked on me. Because I'm a tipsy biker and I want whatever allows the least amount of things in my way to put me off balance and fall. So I don't care how silly it looks, how it gets in the way with dancing, how I look like a tourist, I fucking love my utility belt.

from here

Purging of Things - with moving (maybe not moving?) in the next few months. It's come time to look at things we own at the house and what we need, don't need. It feels amazing to look at shit and know I can get rid of it and be ok with that. Owning so much is a constant stress to me. Also, I'm painting my room grey if we end up staying....which I should have done 2 years ago when we moved in. I need to go through my clothes...again. I buy too many dresses but I love them all so I don't care.

such the baby

The Rest - scallions/green onions in everything. baby fever. this pup. biggie smalls nonstop. legos. antlers and woodgrain. seeing C in just a few days. inception, OMG INCEPTION. men w/ greying hair (looking at you george clooney). swaggggger. barefoot bandit. pole dancing in public. incoming students. not fearing where you live. pet adoption ads that sounds like a geeky guy looking for a date online. flesh. chubby babies. arm muscles on men. that my dog keeps posing for photos like this. fleur de lis. wallpapered rooms. fancy. "your gum smells like basil". (mostly) cheese free for 5 months. positive people. fire crotch. owning more moccasins than a small indian tribe. the raven lounge.

"These days Michael Caine need only appear on a screen and we assume he's wiser than any of the other characters. It's a gift." -Rober Ebert

Things I Love Thursday

2010-07-15T09:30:00.001-07:00

This headboard is beautiful.

Ladies - Um ladies night this past weekend was all levels of ridiculous I've already posted about. But it's reassuring to have female friends. A lot of females can get that catty, girly attitude where they either don't like girls or declare they only get along with men. That's all bs excuses and ridiculous. I get along great with men...but lady friends are important, more important really. Ladies will do handstands in public with you, cheer you on while you dance on stage, be open to any adventure. sure, men can be like this too, but there's nothing like getting a crew of the ladies together and being obnoxious together.

(Dancing Friday anyone? Medusa at 21+chestnut is free, starts at 10. I think Jessica+ 1 and I are going. Or else other silly lady things at some point that night. More handstands?? yes please.)

Thunderstorms - I'm not one of those people that will talk about how romantic the rain (or anything else) is and how I love thunderstorms. I could really care less about them. but I woke up from the huge clap of thunder the other day and sent an incredibly needy and out of character text to C that I really meant because of the storm. I guess this means I have to tell him he's my boyfriend soon. Do you buy a present for that? Maybe some cookies.

from here.

Tattoo Plans - there's something fun about planning tattoos and finding past tattoo plans. I have 2 appts set up and 2 more I want to make. which may sound excessive but the two are free and the other two is only one big one...so it's not a ton of money. In the works...last session on intestines, bird with antlers, left handed tribute, finishing el toro girl, "you" in a heart, other foot, toes, seeing shlak for something/anything. I love tattoo anticipation, it makes up for the cranky face I make the entire time I'm getting tattooed hah. and I love having the ability to get as many silly tattoos as I want with no judgement.

"Don't block your blessings" - I just read that quote and it seems like a really good last point. See the positive in your life. Don't think you don't deserve good because of past things you've done. I sound like I'm preaching, this isn't on purpose at all. I just don't think people ever appreciate how much good they have going on in their lives and become so focused on the negative. Or when a positive moment comes they decline it for one reason or another. I'm done with this rant. Be fucking positive. Dicks.

the Rest -sexual beings (safe for work). moccasins. late night needy texts because of thunderstorms. upcoming tattoos. movie nights. oreo bellies. finding old resumes. true blood (I haven't watched it but it's making my crush lusty and I'm all about anything that causes even more lust in him ha). being back in pole class. my sister calling just to talk shit about my mom's (lack of) bejeweled strategy. mostly homemade vegan thai pizza. MIA's new album. beards. mandoline's, omg I want to slice food nonstop. healed bike wounds. south philly pedicures. domestic fights between young gay men. leftovers. rib tattoos on others. bean sprouts and green onions on everything. prednisone for making me have a less blind dog. cranes, birds and machinery. birthing stories + really cute engagement photos. circles. wood grain, always and forever.

foooooooooooooooooooood

2010-07-12T11:09:00.001-07:00

I was motivated to cook this weekend...the motivation being cooking anything that would involve eating bacos. So I went with Artie's recipe for vegan scalloped potatoes.

I followed the recipe exactly other than I didn't bother w/ the extra soy cheese which may have been a bad choice. My potatoes were delicious but not rich enough. the sauce I made didn't seem to be enough though or I may have let it thicken too much. Talking to him about it now I think I just needed to make more sauce because of how huge my potatoes were. I thought that when I poured it over the first half and it was clearly not enough.

Once it was finished cooking I mixed it all up to try and spread around the "cream" sauce some more. It sort of helped. I then threw more bacos on top and some green green onion and decided that was good enough. It tasted good but was dry for sure. i think next time I'll make twice as much sauce as it calls for, pending potato size and I may include some vegan cheese too.

I'm going to eat leftovers all week w/ some vegas ribs.

But in preparation to make this I bought myself a cheap mandoline slicer (similar to this) and loved every fucking moment of slicing those potatoes. It went so incredibly fast. the moment this one breaks I'm buying an even nicer one! Al I want to do now is slice vegetables nonstop. I'm looking up recipes that require it now. Along with recipes for homemade hot pockets.

2010-07-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

Went out with the ladies (Lolli, Jessica and Taj) on Friday, it consisted of the following.....stalking ghost busters, bicep curls and handstand photos, giggling nonstop, birthday party for electricity, flashing lights, belly dancers being uncomfortable, peer pressure to pole dance at a bar, buddy system walking to our respective homes, visiting Shawn, stumbling into a south street riot, biking the empty streets home at 2 am with Taj.

nights like that remind me how much I love Philly but also how ridiculous my life can be at times. More girls come next time! We'll better prepare and take more photos.

note: Dancing in front of a bar full of drunks is both terrifying and ok. You can't see the faces when you're on the stage and the first time (yes, it happened twice) there was half a dozen ghetto boys up with me that loved it all so that helped.

TILT!!!

2010-07-08T10:20:00.001-07:00

double rainbow in south philly from last spring - from here

Heat Wave - Yes, again, another heat wave that has the entire east coast negative. Here are my positive thoughts on it.....I feel no guilt when I go home and just sit in my room w/ the dog and the ac. I don't care about skipping the gym, dog walks or anything else exercise...it's too damn hot that I can sit home guilt free. Popsicles....don't mind if I do...3 meals a day...well it is 99 degrees out for the 5th day in a row. I've taken to biking slow and leisurely on my way home since it's so hot out, it has made the ride home seem much less stressful. On that note also, the city is fucking dead because of how hot it is. Everything is going quicker because there is so few people out. And lastly it's so hot that I'm drinking way more water to stay hydrated and getting my body used to drinking water. It's a constant goal of mine to drink more water....this is a positive step to keep it as a habit.

Josh Sundquist - Who I wrote about last week because i'm totally in love with his positive mentality. I took a photo while reading his book the other night because my dog was cute and made a note that was what I was reading. Somehow he found that and commented on my flickr...and then posted the link on facebook and twitter. I'm really hoping he speaks in philly soon so I can go hear him. yes, motivational speakers are overwhelming and kind of cheesy but fuck, a 25 y/o cancer survivor amputee motivation speaker. What's more fucking positive?!!?

Nosego's new mural!! and it's at 4th and porter!!!! omg. 4th and porter!!! That is 0.6 miles from my house. I may just hang out standing in front of it like a creep.

Autobiographies - are my favorite kind of biographies. I like how slightly....vain it is to write a book about yourself. Egotistical? Not always, a lot of autobiographies I read are really motivational and talk about the things people have gone through to get through their life...and less about Tori Spelling raising kids in hollywood. I really like books that have a meaning and are positive but can also be related to, knowing someone actually went through that and came through in the end. This doesn't mean I'm not ordering Kendra Wilkinson's autobiography currently, this girl has needs.

summertime via Darby pup in NYC.

Phoenixville - man and city. the city is an amazing break from philly, there's grass and everything there. And houses that aren't row houses!! oh and a sweet creek right behind his house, and a deck with a hammock. Fuck, what is more dreamy than that. I mean, this is my morning walk of shame. fucking fancy. the man there is also pretty great, we've been not dating each other for about 5 months now and it's been almost all positive. but I'm realistic and a silly girl so obviously there was moments of acting out. I like him because he has tolerated everyone of those moments, he's ok not seeing each other often and doesn't force me to agree to things I don't want. He also sends me super silly texts that make me giggle and blush ("How was the movie? I'm looking forward to impregnating you").

The Rest - THIS DOG!!! I'm staying rational to not impulse email to buy him...so someone buy him. So fucking cute. quoting fight club in my head and giggling. pilates. being able to tell my roommate his girlfriend is sorta grumpy and not have him get offended. missouri miracle. pennies. men in suits drivings suvs (purr). biggie smalls on repeat. shore photos from others. not being sun burnt anymore. plush robots. old friends finding me via flickr. mike beer. gun shops and grocery store bike rides. sequins on everything. updating my amazon wishlist. prince vs. the internet. pua and her (temporary) cone head sad face. "im going to buy like 4 pizza's and roll myself in them like a sleeping bag and eat my way out". bunny ears. bruce willis. justin bieber and his hair. ben&jerry's americone dream ice cream. writing down goals. facebook stalking.

Tom Hanks, garbage can, wheat paste. guerrilla graffiti? from here. I want to eat there just to get my own photo (there being some brooklyn pizza place).

tILT!

2010-07-01T12:31:00.001-07:00

my favorite photo attempt...and I'm making all my friends take this type of photo w/ me from now on.

Visitors- Joe's in NYC for 10 days and impulse (drunkenly?) made a bus ticket to Philly yesterday for 9 to 9. I haven't spent more than a few hours with him in almost 2 years. My time home usually allows for 2-3 hours at most with each friend....this was 12 concentrated hours in Philly!! there's not enough exclamation points out there to show that excitement. We did a million tourist things, walked my dog in south philly so he could see my home, ate more food than really necessary. Tried to convince him to get an impulse tattoo and bought fake ones for him instead, drank everfresh, walked more miles than I can count, watched him be excited about public transit ha. He really needs to live closer.

Upcoming Art Crap- First Friday in the summer is my favorite time ever. Tonight is the first night of thursday night movies at Penns Landing (Avatar). Friday She+him plays and it is the Power in Numbers show. Toro's solo show is the week after at abakus. I love how much art crap Philly has while still being in a manageable amount...I don't care about art really...but I like having the choice and I like having such a wide choice. Dear philly, I still love you. Always and forever.

hahaha trying to look for positive body image messages and found this.

My Dog- I imply, often, that my dog is a misbehaving asshole but he really isn't. He has his quirks like all dogs but for the most part is pretty chill. I've been reading a lot about dealing with blind dogs lately and have learned to appreciate my dog even more since it turns out blind dogs fucking act out when they go blind and elvis is fine!! Uh other than a recent hobby of humping things since getting on prednisone. but he hasn't done anything really negative since losing most of his vision and is still himself. Things could have gone really bad for me + him with this and I got really, really lucky with how things went.

mmmm pinky seattle. here

Cankles- and accepting I don't have them....because I am completely insane and for some reason got myself convinced I secretly have cankles and no one told me. I blame looking down at my legs while sitting at my desk. Looking at pictures the last week or so and reminding me I'm ok on the cankles front....for now haha. Biking, the gym and walking is doing my body good and I'm always exhausted but at least it's making an improvement? sort of? Whatever, I don't have cankles world!!!!

The rest- faking accents. hula hooping in stores. Trying on heels. aloe vera on sun burn. overeating and overexercising to compensate. new (potentially skanky) dress. movie nights. calm work moments. the fucking heat wave ending. 8:36 photos. yeah right. balsamic vinegar. bellies. boltbus or is it bangbus. how genuinely nice the 2012 students are. being able to be 100% honest with a partner. long walks. pilates class. vegan recipes nonstop. men with a wide chest. texts begging not to dye grey hairs away. dessa. cake face babies. fuck baby fever. wonderful world on msnbc. word.

foooood

2010-06-29T08:25:00.001-07:00

This is one of my favorite cold pasta's to eat in the summer. the flavors are all super intense and really shouldn't be mixed together I'm sure haha. They all overwhelm each other and you really can't distinguish anything from anything else.

Easy Artichoke Pasta Salad

fussily pasta
1 small jar marinated artichokes (diced)- save marinade in the jar!
1-2 diced sweet red peppers
1 diced carrot
1/4 cup chopped olives (you can add more if you like)
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 tablespoons balsamic vinegar
1 tablespoon minced roasted red peppers
1 tablespoon chopped parsley
1 tablespoon chopped basil
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Cook pasta, drain it and let it cool. in a jar. Combine a bit of the marinade from the marinated artichokes, olive oil, vegetable oil, balsamic vinegar, roasted red peppers, basil and parsley. Put a lid on the jar, and shake until ingredients look mixed.

In a bowl, combine the pasta, artichokes, sweet peppers, carrots, and olives. Pour the dressing into pasta mixture, toss well. Add salt and pepper to taste.

I usually forget to add the peppers and when I do I just get a jar of roasted red pepper, pat it dry and chop it up. I drain most of the oil from the artichokes in with the marinade and chop them up smaller before throwing them in. I use a veggie mix pasta so I can pretend I'm healthy.
I also add a few cloves of raw garlic chopped up, fresh spinach and some green onions if I have it.
I buy spicy olives from the olive bar to slice up in it. and add an extra half tablespoon or so of balsamic.

the flavor is soooo ridiculous. Nothing should have this tangy of a flavor all at once.

feelings.

2010-06-25T06:24:00.001-07:00

the other week I got a text from a number I didn't know, I replied and never heard back so I just said whatever. They texted again last night asking to see me. I replied asking who they were and it turned out to be the interest. Yeah, no one wants to hear about him again.

I agreed to hang out whenever in a brightly lit, public place. He questioned if that meant no violence.

"Your violence got me attached and I ended up with a hurt heart. I'd like to avoid round two of that emotional pain as much as I lust for the physical."

He never replied, it was just the lust. I wanted to hear him say he was sorry, tell me what happened. He wanted to beat me until I cried and begged him to kiss me like before. It would be chill to be friends so I can stop avoiding walking down 6th street but I don't want that at all really. He hurt me and made me even more of a mess than I already was/am. He's made me question C's motives and actions nervously.

I told C about all of this right away because I wanted to hide it from him. I figured if I wanted to hide it I should tell him. He questioned it a little but nothing that upset me. I wanted him to know that it came up since I had just been talking about this guy, and others in the past, and how they hurt me. He said I needed to let go and feared for our future children if I couldn't. I took this as him not being able to trust me and got upset.

"Its not that I don't trust you with all men, and I do trust you. I don't trust certain guys who know your buttons and how to push them."

He's very, very right. The Interest I lust for because I know he will beat me until I'm on his couch crying. I don't want to do that with him again because I know all that will happen is C and I won't be together and the Interest will leave me for another and break my heart once more. Mike B was the one blip in all of this and he 100% knows which buttons to push and how to get me begging. I see C on Saturday. finally. I'm not sure if I can actually handle this once a month seeing each other thing for much longer. But other than irrational choices it's not something that can change for a few more months.

But at least I know Saturday night and Sunday can be spent cuddled into his chest, making noises and begging for attention. filth, beating, sex.